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Realm of the InterNutter

Thoughts, stories and ideas.

Kingsmen: The Golden Circle - pure nonse

We did actually go and see Kingsmen: The Golden Circle, last night. And it is everything you would expect from the Kingsmen. Only this time it was terribly British Gentlemen working with amazingly Stereotypical Cowboys.

Remember the first Kingsman movie in which Galahad firkin tore up a Westborough Baptist Expy Church and the camera had these weird fixed points of stability? I call that "Dizzy Cam". Well, the people who made Kingsmen recognised that that one scene was so fucking awesome and loved.

So of course they used the Dizzy Cam about four or fifteen times in this movie, thus diluting the awesomeness to "What? Again?" status.

People. Camera tricks like Dizzy Cam or the Dolly Zoom are like chocolate sprinkles. They can make the cake that is your film be special, but you can't make a cake entirely out of chocolate sprinkles1.

The maximum number of fuck-that-was-awesome Dizzy Cam shots should be two, so you can build it up, raise the tensions, and make the audience go "FUCK YEAH!"

By the big jungle fight at the climax, all the gloss had gone off the Dizzy Cam and it was just... motion sickness and explosions.

Top marks for Elton's Bullet-time ninja kick, though. I know how much CGI went into that noise and it was fucking seamless. Ten outta ten.

Now onto the shitty things.

Representation

Apparently a relentless spy nonsense romp can't have two women in major roles in it at the same time. Yes, they flipped the Bond Bird by having a love interest from the previous movie being an ongoing relationship in the second... BUT.

She was once again damselled to provide manpain for our hero.

AND... The strong female agent from Kingsmen got killed in the first act so we could have Halle "Cardboard" Berry as both the Token Black and the Token Woman for the movie.

AND... The latino agent turned out to be a double agent all along.

AND... They're still buying into the whole "deformed people are evil" trope with the badass prosthetic villain's flunky having a robot arm. While cool, I'd like for one of the heroes to have these options, please.

AND... the baddie of this film is an older woman who is in love with a bygone age? Holding up the whole '50s housewife' gender role whilst simultaneously running an enormous drug cartel with a plan to take over the world by holding all the addicts for ransom.

Said Big Bad literally never gets her hands dirty. She has robots and flunkies to do all the nastiness like she has absolutely no agency at all.

And, once again, the US Prez is in the Badguy Box, planning to let the 'evil' drug addicts go hang in a completely casual disregard for human life. Interesting that they picked someone who more resembled Regan than the current Prez like they did in the last movie.

If they pull this shit again for a third one [and I'm betting money on a third one] then I can safely assume that this bullshit is an agenda and decide whether the humorousness of the Spy Romp justifies the terrible Sexism, Racism, and Ableism inherent in the subtext.

Also, if they keep bloody destroying the Kingsmen, I'm going to start wondering where they dredge up all these highly trained Gentlemen from.

  1. Yes, I recognise that you can sit your arse down and eat an entire firkin bag of chocolate sprinkles, but it's still not a cake, fuckface. ↩

Challenge #01723-D262: Family is...?

I did not give that spider superhuman intelligence -- RecklessPrudence

Klaus looked at the spider. She was wearing a crinoline made out of her own silk. He turned back to Lord Falderil. "Really?"

"Absolutely not," insisted Lord Falderil. His lab had every known piece of intelligence-augmenting equipment known to Spark-kind and a few more that he had evidently made himself. "She was already intelligent. I've been augmenting myself so that I can keep up."

The giant spider, named Spinnerette, delicately put down

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Thinking about how to do fibre

So I think I might have perfected the cake-like object from the Keto coconut bread. And since I don't really like a lot of my bread...

I'm thinking about making some choc-chip fibre muffins.

The only drawback to this is that the local Foodways has stopped selling the BEST EGGS IN THE WORLD, Peepers Cheepers [or Cheepers Peepers, I forget which way around it is], the totally organic and ethical free range eggs. In favour of non-organic, non-ethical firkin CAGE EGGS which

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Challenge #01722-D261: Invaders vs Natives

Doctor Disco sighed. Clever, he enjoyed dealing with. Idiots were even more fun to be had. But an enemy with a single goal, moderate leadership intentions, and an analytical plan that still got bollixed up annoyed him no end. -- Fliss

It was days like this when it was difficult to tell who the real enemy was. He usually preferred siding with the ones who tried not to kill. Which, unfortunately, were not the humans, this time. The other side were the

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Progress!

I have vowed to make Mayhem and I do the rowing machine twice a week until we get buff or the machine breaks, whichever happens first. It's a five minute stint. We go as fast as we can for as long as we can and then slow row for the rest of the time. In the unlikely event that we can keep up a fast rowing pace for five minutes, we'll move up to ten.

In my second session, I made it

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Challenge #01721-D260: Been Bingeing Adventure Zone

[When someone is being encouraged to compromise their morals]

They've already put a lot of effort into the "not killing people" plan, they'd like to see it through to the end. -- RecklessPrudence

It certainly looked like the end for our heroes. Surrounded on every side by hostile forces. Outmanned. Outnumbered. If there were guns, they'd have been outgunned. But in this case, they were all out of spell slots and clever tricks. All they had left was their weapons and their

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The big 'vote' and other noise

We got the snailmail that could change Australia, today. That's the plebiscite on homosexual marriage. I instantly noticed that it's a survey and not even slightly related to influencing Australian law.

Of course I voted for maximum freedom. Not that it matters, really, because it's a firkin survey. The cowards of Canberra are testing the waters to see whether or not this is an issue worthy of becoming part of the platform. Or becoming a referendum.

I did not art, this morning.

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Challenge #01720-D259: High Alert Level

I may be a coward, but I will not let that define me. -- RecklessPrudence

My name is Val, and I'm afraid. Every day, every minute, all I can think of is the worst possible consequences that result from my actions. You might call it anxiety. I don't think it's anything as mild as that. I have a mechanical clock as an alarm, because what if the power fails in the night and all the electronic stuff doesn't work? I sterilise my

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Slow Progress and Updatey Promises

It's cleaning day, so that means that anything I post will likely be posted in the afternoon.

I will be attempting to post a progress speedpaint of the cover-so-far for Beauties and the Beastly. That's going to be... "fun".

Also in the "fun" pile is unriddling what the flip is wrong with the latest animated shot for SESP. I might have to brute force that mofo or something. That's probably not happening until tomorrow.

Also, all art is slowed because my time

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Challenge #01719-D258: Near Lethal Combination

Finally, almost thirty-five minutes into their wait and seventeen minutes into [Responsible Authority Figure]'s scolding ([RAF's best friend, Shit-Stirrer] kept track; the record was thirty-four minutes, twenty-seven seconds, which [Shit-Stirrer] was ashamed to admit was on account of [much-less-responsible person RAF is mentoring in the ways of fighting both physical and magical, often compared to an excitable puppy] and masochistically determined to beat)... -- RecklessPrudence

If enthusiasm was light, Paxifraxx would be a pulsar. Deadly when aimed in the right direction,

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Finances, Fucked up, and Fuckassery

I'm still hovering around the halfway mark with the New Compy Fund. If I clean everything out at once, I'm just past halfway there at $1.8K and this is because my automatic payment to my personal funds got cancelled because I took it out of the wrong account.

It's sorted out, now. Don't fret.

And I forget how I got through $210 out of my emergency funds, but it was probably food or clothes.

My scrimpings are up by $340 thanks

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Challenge #01718-D257: Where Angels Fear

[Name] is a professional adventurer/planet saver with extremely acute hearing. The other speaker is their much calmer and more logical, though not necessarily smarter, best friend)

[Name] buried the pillow over their head and groaned.

“I can’t tell if those are gunshots or fireworks,” they whined.

“Do not be silly, [Name]. Fireworks are illegal on this planet.” -- RecklessPrudence

There's a reason why Iman Goodboy spends most of her time in her livesuit. She could control how much of the

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Running my arse off

Mayhem is a bit crook,so Miss Chaos is going to scenic Coominya to spend some time with her Nanna solo.

The travel arrangements are a teeny bit convoluted, but I will take anything that results in me not being tired off my arse for a lonely drive home.

...which is why I'm writing this blog entry at twenty past four in the morning.

Also because there's bad weather coming and I can feel it in the right side of my face.

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Challenge #01717-D256: Show of Faith

"Shhhhh." [Name] put a finger to both of their lips. "Let's just enjoy this. Things are going to be awful in a few hours, but right now I've tricked myself into thinking we can handle this. Let me bask in it." -- RecklessPrudence

The human had a mantra for everything that was going wrong. Human Steve was multitasking. Gathering and patching and applying gum and ductape as fast as their two hands could manage. The mantra was four words, "I can handle

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Rush'd

Okay, so Chaos has a fun run event at her school, I have the cleaners coming, and I have seven minutes before I have to go out and watch for the bus.

Don't expect a story before this afternoon.

I have 1000 words to write, which will happen after everything else, and my $20 patrons will have the finish of the last chapter and the beginnings of a new chapter to read! WOW!

Pledge yourself to be a Patron on my Patreon

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