Humans Are Space Orcs

A 288-post collection

Challenge #03230-H321: One Close Call in a Tourist Destination

The humans were laughing about something. That was, by itself, potential cause for alarm. The contents of their conversation, heard between bouts of laughter, was even more alarming.

"And then, he looked up into my eyes and froze."

"And then?"

"Then he turned, realized that he had to look UP into your eyes, and looked like he was about to mess his pants!"

"And he said something, right? I didn't catch it."

"He apologized for the inconvenience, said he didn't mean anything by it, and then turned and ran."

"We're not THAT scary, are we?"

"We were both blankface, and I don't know about you, but I was about ready to rip one of his ears off for going for my bags like that."

"Oh. I was going to bounce his head off the pavement to knock him out real quick so we could walk away."

"Aw, you're sweet."

"Why his ear?"

"To hold him still so you could get to him, of course."

"Makes sense."

"Haha! This vacation is WAY more fun than I expected it to be!" -- Escla

On the plus side, the visiting Humans were happy. On the minus side, a close encounter with Attempted Robbery was not on the usual visitor's itinerary. Security Officer Thane caught up with the group. "My pardons, cogniscents. Is there something you would like to report? A crime?"

"It's only a crime if they do it, right? Attempted whatever only counts if its damaging to life or lifestyle[1]?"

"Poor little thing was only trying to lift my dummy wallet." The almost-victim showed Thane his wallet. It was full of food and medicine coupons[2]. "Even if they had stolen it, it was no big deal."

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Challenge #03225-H316: A Different Cause For Tears

A human was crying, their friend asked what was wrong. They'd heard all their lives of all the wild cruelties humans had done to each other, then found an ancient, archived, video of humans in the past acting in kindness. The video really made them smile.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmcSh0GdPlc -- Anon Guest

Humans don't always have good angles. The stories of them having murderous rampages against species that wronged them abound. Other stories... not so much. The stories

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Challenge #03213-H304: Human Violence

"My dear colleagues and guests, this morning we are going to study human games and how, throughout their history, their games have both brought them together, and caused some of them to tear their own cities apart." -- DaniAndShali

It is often said that many Human games are war by more civilised means. After all, people follow the rules when they're playing a game. The fans of the game are the most dangerous. Their tribal identity lies in the team they support.

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Challenge #03208-H299: Breaker of Bad Habits

The Human is only four foot in height, even with the battle-hardened live-suit. The recruits for this new marine outfit are six to seven foot Deathworlders from level three, and a couple near level four Deathworlds. The Human teaches them why you don't laugh at someone just because they're smaller. -- Anon Guest

Gurhag's Grunts were supposed to be meeting the maddest, baddest Deathworlder to train them in new combat techniques. When a child-sized entity in a livesuit appeared and took up

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Challenge #03169-H260: They Only Look Harmless

A researcher decides, out of curiosity, to see if it's just human adults that are dangerous, and how far back that 'dangerous' could be listed. Then they read the study of a human toddler named Pib, and research other human toddlers aboard other ships that employ adult humans. Let's just say the kill counts for the toddlers, and the description of what these kids did, caused the researcher to end up in therapy, terrified of human children.

https://peakd.com/fiction/@internutter/

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Challenge #03115-H206: All Your Base Now Belong to Us

We are done being quiet. For all your claims you have proven nothing to back your words. Show us that this galaxy is yours, prove to us this universe is your birthright. And we will demonstrate to you that humanity will NEVER YIELD TO YOU. - Humanity declaration of war to the Vesmil -- Anon Guest

There are some things one should never turn one's back on. Tidal oceans, creche rooms full of sucrose-enriched larvae, and this new species of really weird

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Challenge #03062-H139: Piracy - Just Say Nononono AAAUUUGH!

A tiger bite force is 1050 psi, a crocodile have a bite force of 5000 psi. A human, 126 psi. Not much but it’s a sign. If a human bite you, understand that they disregarded any self respect or proper thinking just to survive. Unless it’s a baby. -- Anon Guest

There's a reason why Humans consider biting to be "fighting dirty" and it's not just because their mouths are cesspools of bacteria and partial digestive juices. Pound for pound,

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Challenge #03051-H128: The Little and Fierce

Actual quote from an actual three-year-old: "Children fight the bad guys! I sharp him with my little teeth!" -- Anon Guest

[AN: I did briefly play with the idea of this being a Pib line, thank you for wondering]

The universe is a big place. There's plenty of areas that haven't heard about the inherent dangers of Deathworlders in general and Humans in particular. Therefore, it's understandable that the same mistake can happen in several different places during several different time periods.

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Challenge #03048-H125: They Don't Need Weapons

Anything can be a weapon if you’re reckless enough -- Anon Guest

[AN: For the unlimited version of this, check the collected works of Jackie Chan]

Humans. The aggressive warrior race who will go to any extreme to protect and enrich their pack. Any single one of them is capable of creating a phenomenal amount of destructive chaos on their enemy. When no weapons are available, they will create their own. Often in an instant. A fact not lost on anyone

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Challenge #03024-H101: Mostly Harmless You Say

Pib's parents are on a station for a while as the ship they normally work on was in for repairs, and these repairs were going to take some time. The instructor at the primary school reads the transcripts of young Pib from aboard the ship and sees the injury / kill count of the child and their jaw drops. Some of the pirates wounded, or killed, by this larval human were not exactly amateurs, or small-fry. The parents just smile. -- Anon Guest

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Challenge #03011-H088: The Soft Spot

Defiant Human: "You can't make me talk! You know damn well how tough we are, so do your damndest I won't break!"

Interrogator: "Are you sure about that?"

Defiant Human: "Try me."

Interrogator: "You asked for it." Calls to their associates who brings out a box of the cutest, most adorable, little fuzzballs on the planet. Several young kids giggle and begin to play with, and cuddle the fuzzballs that coo and burble sweetly.

Human: "What's that supposed to do??"

Human -

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Challenge #03009-H086: You Think You're Tough

Be a hell of a blade for a space warrior to carry. I can see them now, them drawing it from their belt when another deathworlder, an enemy, tries to push their luck thinking the "squishy human" is weak and helpless. They clean their nails with the tip and go "You really want to do this?" -- DaniAndShali

Humans only seem to have no natural defenses. Many learn this lesson the hard way. Such as the Gendraaugi, Yauch, who had come to

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Challenge #03002-H079: Friendship Offering

They were used to having humans aboard ships over the years. One group or another would work with them to protect them whenever they were heading out to map the Edge. As usual, they had four humans with them. Two scientists, two guards. But one of the guards was different. Unlike all the humans the havenworlders had worked with in the past, this individual politely declined all of the sweet desserts that were offered in friendship and preferred fresh fruits and sliced

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Challenge #03001-H078: How to Befriend a Monster

An alien meets human's pet cat and has an existential crisis dealing with the fact that their seemingly sane friend keeps a tiny ferocious predator around and thinks it is cute. -- Anon Guest

"[GENDER PRONOUN] is just an old softie," should definitely be classified as words of impending horror. Brex had just been told not to mind Meep, and then spotted a low, fast shape zip through his peripheral vision. Human Pod had assured him, "He's just an old softie, really.

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Challenge #02999-H076: Full on Pinkies Up

There were cupcakes, which immediately drew attention to the activity. There were also the ship's humans, both of them, sitting quietly and sipping from fancifully patterned drinking vessels, despite usually becoming a shrieking maelstrom of highly active competition when interacting with one another. There was a small container with a spoon in it that, upon inspection, contained sugar. ...there were more cupcakes than two humans could reasonably eat on their own. There were extra cups. There was, it turned out, an open

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