Humans Are Space Orcs

A 298-post collection

Challenge #03661-J008: To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn...

When is it appropriate to kill? And when is it appropriate to allow yourself to die? These are questions roiling through the head of the young adult who is on their first job as a ship's human, protecting these kind scientists who were treating him as if he was their own family. -- Anon Guest

Human Zan's first log entry on the first day of his first job as Ship's Human was, Sweet Powers, it's full of nerds.

It was a science vessel crewed almost entirely by cute, fluffy scientists and the impulse to just pick them up and snoodle them was very strong. Zan resisted, mostly because following protocol was funnier.

A Human must announce their presence in a non-threatening way, said the rule book. So Zan did so by sing-songing, "It's Zan, Zan, the Ship's Hu-man." Whether or not there was a following, "Aaaayyyyy..." was up to his mood at the time.

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Challenge #03653-I365: Simple Chemistry for Galactic Complications

Bold of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

several explosions later

Well now would you look at that, it worked. Now stfu and let's keep moving before this planet or I, kills you -- Anon Guest

Xym MacGillicuddy had one rule: Never plan, just be prepared.

Those encountering it for the first time were always confused. If being prepared wasn't planning, what was ze prepared for? To which Xym answered, "Zombie apocalypse suit you? 'Cause anything's good for

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Challenge #03626-I338: Parcel of Peace

These creatures are DANGEROUS, don't even think of challenging them, are you mad?? They eat POISONS for fun! They drink ACIDS for refreshment! Their bodies are made so they can run for MILES before they even begin to get TIRED! DO NOT FLAKKING CHALLENGE THEM! -- Anon Guest

Who could possibly believe that a rubbery hairless biped with an internal skeleton could also be the most relentless killing machine in the known universe? Certainly not Thrith Wout, who was running for hir

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Challenge #03586-I297: As Well as Expected

Rescued Crewmember: I thought you said you couldn't do strenuous physical activity?

Human: I said I couldn't do strenuous or high impact physical activity without hurting myself.

RC: You just carried me, at a dead run, through the entire ship and to cover before going back for more.

H: And I have hurt myself.

RC: ... and we're still in danger.

H: I will need so much physical therapy after we get rescued. -- Escla

Human Quyl has been wearing her bracers more

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Challenge #03582-I293: Unlikable When Angry

Going aboard station, they took a deep breath and reported to security. They asked to see medical because they had a problem. A bad temper. They were normally very kind, but when they lost their temper, they had a very hard time stopping if they started to swing, and last time, they hurt someone very badly. They were looking for help, because they were afraid, if they got mad enough, it would happen again. -- Anon Guest

"Anger. Inhibitors," repeated Medik Fleam,

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Challenge #03485-I197: A Terror in Tulle

Never, EVER, assume, just because the human's so much smaller than you, that you can just bully them. You will NOT like the results! -- Anon Guest

There is an ancient Human saying, Never trust a very small girl in a frilly pink glitter tutu with a sword. The reason why it's a Human saying is only known to those who work at Renfairs. It certainly wasn't known to the attacking pirates when they encountered the equivalent of a lost tourist bus.

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Challenge #03300-I012: One Being's Torment...

On their world, theobromine is toxic. Extracted from plants that have it in its pods, as the prisoners are dipped into that vat of brown syrup, screams are elicited as the prisoner slowly poisoned to death in a vat of pain. The toxins creating agony before the being dies.

This prisoner, the human, was sentenced to be dropped in the vat. Why? To show all other humans that they were not going to be joking around when it came to the lengths

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Challenge #03298-I010: Gezundheit

Warning to all pirates! Do NOT mess with a human child's teddy bear! -- Lessons

Midshipman Hayk had been sent to pacify the Human Larvae. It was a simple job, or so Captain Staaz had claimed. They couldn't possibly flakk it up, he said. They were helpless infants. What could they even do?

The universe has ways of answering questions like that.

The Human Larvae present seemed to be harmless. Most of them were asleep on mats. The ones that were active

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Challenge #03294-I006: The Statistical Outlier

The human who followed the princess home became quite well educated in more than gal-simple. And not long after, all humans were welcomed into the Alliance, albeit, though many were wary, afraid, and some still openly hostile toward the race. But this human, until their death due to old age, refused to stop protecting the princess who was their first, true, friend. -- Anon Guest

The Humans, once they were fully welcomed into the Alliance, would

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Challenge #03263-H354: A Debt of Life

A few years after the first encounter, the humans return to Lilli Station, they come in large, new, ships. They do not dock but, instead, make contact. They offer to reinforce the station to protect the inhabitants. To assign humans to guard the cogniscents there. The inhabitants of this station helped them, saved them, in their hour of desperate need, and, despite the gift given, never asked for anything in return. The humans were grateful to the ones that saved them. And

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Challenge #03230-H321: One Close Call in a Tourist Destination

The humans were laughing about something. That was, by itself, potential cause for alarm. The contents of their conversation, heard between bouts of laughter, was even more alarming.

"And then, he looked up into my eyes and froze."

"And then?"

"Then he turned, realized that he had to look UP into your eyes, and looked like he was about to mess his pants!"

"And he said something, right? I didn't catch it."

"He apologized for the inconvenience, said he didn't mean anything

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Challenge #03225-H316: A Different Cause For Tears

A human was crying, their friend asked what was wrong. They'd heard all their lives of all the wild cruelties humans had done to each other, then found an ancient, archived, video of humans in the past acting in kindness. The video really made them smile. -- Anon Guest

Humans don't always have good angles. The stories of them having murderous rampages against species that wronged them abound. Other stories... not so much. The stories

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Challenge #03213-H304: Human Violence

"My dear colleagues and guests, this morning we are going to study human games and how, throughout their history, their games have both brought them together, and caused some of them to tear their own cities apart." -- DaniAndShali

It is often said that many Human games are war by more civilised means. After all, people follow the rules when they're playing a game. The fans of the game are the most dangerous. Their tribal identity lies in the team they support.

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Challenge #03208-H299: Breaker of Bad Habits

The Human is only four foot in height, even with the battle-hardened live-suit. The recruits for this new marine outfit are six to seven foot Deathworlders from level three, and a couple near level four Deathworlds. The Human teaches them why you don't laugh at someone just because they're smaller. -- Anon Guest

Gurhag's Grunts were supposed to be meeting the maddest, baddest Deathworlder to train them in new combat techniques. When a child-sized entity in a livesuit appeared and took up

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Challenge #03169-H260: They Only Look Harmless

A researcher decides, out of curiosity, to see if it's just human adults that are dangerous, and how far back that 'dangerous' could be listed. Then they read the study of a human toddler named Pib, and research other human toddlers aboard other ships that employ adult humans. Let's just say the kill counts for the toddlers, and the description of what these kids did, caused the researcher to end up in therapy, terrified of human children.

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