Realm of the InterNutter

Thoughts, stories and ideas.

Challenge #01318-C223: Gem Daycare

1) Steven likes to visit Centi. She and the others have sort of adopted him as an honorary crewmember at this point.

2) From http://muppetymels.tumblr.com/post/144837683649 -

Teaching kindergarten is like being an ambassador to beings from another planet and teaching them how to assimilate to our culture.

“No, we do not LICK water fountains. Perhaps that is acceptable on your planet, but here on earth we prefer to DRINK from water fountains.”

“Physics might be a little different on your planet, but here when you throw things they typically fall and break.”

“Grabbing people and shaking them violently is not considered a proper greeting on this planet.” -- Anon Guest

1)

There wasn't much he could do for the Centipeedles. He'd come to accept that. His healing saliva didn't quite get them back to sanity, and the effects were both short-lived and on the shady side of torturous.

But he could keep them company and bring them a few things.

So, every Sunday evening, he loaded up his Wacky Sack with snacks, drinks and cheap comics. Then he warped over to the crashed Gem ship, and visited his monstrous friends.

He always made sure to be singing the Chaaaaaaaaps jingle as he opened the door. The Centipeedles were easily frightened and had a tendency to spit acid at anyone or anything that scared them.

What he thought of as the ready room was changing, over the weeks. The Centipeedles had figured out ways to plaster bits of paper and wrappings onto their walls and they were... well... it was a sort of art. Some of it was messages, but they were making a story across one of the walls as well.

Steven had learned quickly to warn them when he was taking a picture. The light of his flash alarmed them, and sent them screaming and spitting into their safe corners.

And once everyone had settled down with their chips and juice boxes, they would let him tend their hair. Who knew that Centipeedles liked getting their hair combed?

2)

There were two surprising things about Amber. One was that her gem took over the place of hair and dominated most of her head. The second was that she was bigger than Garnet and had the attitude of a nervous toddler. Minus the parts where she might be prone to wetting herself, of course.

"And this is where my Dad stays. He's got more than enough money to buy a house, but he likes the van."

"Van," repeated Amber. Then she made a rumbling noise with her lips. "...brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr..."

"That's right! Just like a car. Vroom, vroom." Steven knocked on the side of the van. "Hey dad! Wake up."

"Over here, Stoo-ball. It's been a good-- Whoah! Where'd she come from?"

Amber blinked owlishly at Dad. Then she said, "Steven got me out of a tree. I wasn't this big, before, though." She landed in a sitting position on the parking lot tarmac and pointed at him. "Dad?"

"No. He's my dad. You can call him Greg. Or Mister Universe." Steven grinned. "She -um- hasn't had much in the way of socialisation."

"I was in a tree for five thousand years," said Amber. "The bad gems didn't like me. So they threw me out."

"She's... kind of like a little kid," said Steven.

"Oh boy," said Dad. He immediately panicked and said, "No! No... We don't put seagulls in our mouths. It's unsanitary."

How she managed to grab a seagull was a mystery for another day. "Pretty bird," said Amber. "Nice for tree."

"Yes. Very good. Now you can let it go so it can be nice for other trees." Steven smiled desperately as he mimed opening a grasping hand for Amber. "I'm not ready for this. The Gems don't know how to handle her and... well..."

"Bye bye pretty bird!"

Dad could guess where this was going. "You want me to try?" His face went pale. "What about the other two in the barn?"

"Da-a-ad... Lapis and Peridot can barely look after each other. Can you imagine them with Amber?"

Now all of him went pale and all of his remaining hair stood on end. "Yikes. Yes I can. But... I gotta be honest, I'm not as fast as I used to be. I might need a lot more help with this..." He gestured at Amber, who had half of a tyre in her mouth. "...big little problem."

Steven sighed. "And the Maheshwarans are moving out in a couple of weeks. And Amber kind'a scared Connie's parents... Get that outta your mouth, Amber. It's not good."

"Chewy," said Amber.

"Maybe," sighed Greg, "I can teach you all how to deal with her. Part time."

"Dad," Amber drawled, and snatched him up in a hug, petting his hair.

At least she knew how to be gentle.

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I wrote a cursed book

Well, that's the half-joke. During most of 2014, I was working on a novel entitled Kung Fu Zombies, which threw a lampshade on every zombie trope and every kung fu trope I could make fit. And possibly a bunch of American survivalist tropes as well.

For all the fun I had writing the bloody thing - my life went sideways in a big way. Disasters big and small plagued my life. Culminating in the death of my father barely a week before

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Challenge #01317-C222: For Hate's Sake...

"You idiot! Can't you see this will hurt both of us?"

"Well yes, but it'll hurt you a lot more than it'll hurt me, and I can live with that." -- OohLookShiny

There were things she could never talk about. And one of them was the battle of wits with a godlike being.

They could make their arena look like anything. Be made out of anything. They could cast a glamour so powerful that it overwhelmed her. But there was always that

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Is there a cure for Fail yet?

I started my morning at 3AM, following a dream in which I saw a partial clip for a new music video from the best band in the world] The bit I remember is Chelsea and Camille doing Busby Berkeley style ballet on giant red steps while dressed in articulated metal snowflake costumes.

My subconscious is a very strange place.

And the thing that ALWAYS happens when I dream about my absolute favourites happened - I woke up. But I also woke up

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Challenge #01316-C221: Random Encounter

Pick your favourite cartoon character, print or media and have them meet/interact with another. -- Knitnan

[AN: You do realise SPG have their own webcomic right? but I'll play this straight this time]

"That wormhole really did a number on me," mumbled Sylvia. "Where the flarf are we?"

"I have no idea," Wander chirped. He had made a campfire and was roasting something on a stick. "But the beach is lovely and there's a cute little town on the other side

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I fail at human

My brain, as Thomas Dolby once sang, is like a sieve. I don't intend to forget things? But... it happens.

And when one of those things is as simple as checking my email as part of the process that makes sure my mother is still okay... I really fail at human.

Aliens, come take me away, because I am very obviously not of this world.

I'm at the stage where I have to scribe reminders on the back of my hand or

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Challenge #01315-C220: Get Lost!

To get really lost you need a GPS without updated maps, or worse with proposed routes entered as functioning. -- Anon Guest

[AN: Did I tell anyone that story? Stay tuned to my tumblr feed today for the full thing]

"Turn left at the fork."

"What?" said Tirla. "This thing is clearly showing a right turn at the fork."

"Turn left at the fork," said the mechanical voice.

"It's still a few hundred SDU's. We can slow down and see which way

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Anxiety sucks

I've been having a little executive dysfunction, lately. Dawdling about things because I'm secretly scared of everything that could possibly go wrong. And everything that could impossibly go wrong, too. Because I like scaring myself, apparently.

As I frequently say when I give myself the horrors, my brain hates me.

I still don't know why I'm scared to send in the tax form to Smashwords. It's just one of the many things about me that make no sense whatsoever.

And I'm

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Challenge #01314-C219: The Long Days

These things are sent to try us and they certainly do. -- Anon Guest

All of the longest days start in the wee small hours. Haven't you noticed? They begin with the nightmare. The terrors. The loud neighbour who accidentally or on purpose blasts five seconds of noise into the air. Or the telemarketer who calls without realising the time where you live. Or the obnoxious party relative who drunk-dials you for no real reason, or under the mistaken assumption that your

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Weekends, Hooray!

I love weekends. They give me a chance to fart around and do nothing much.

Since I spend my Fridays doing 1K, it means that Saturday and Sunday are both days to laze around and faff about. Both are important parts of the writing cycle. Both lead to excessive amounts of daydreaming which lead to more fiction! Yay!

In my case, it means fiction that I don't have to write, which you will get to see over on my baby forum whenever

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Challenge #01313-C218: No, You Got it Wrong

This is a quote from a Robert Heinlein story. "Always have your pants, your shoes, and your gun where you can find them in the dark." -- Anon Guest

[AN: I fixed your typos, Nonny]

The patient came in with a limb injury. Relatively harmless, but perplexing in the entry and exit trajectory. What added further confusion was the fact that they had a side-arm tangled in their toes, and a white-knuckled grip on one of their boots.

There was some evidence

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Wiki Walks and how they fuel me

For those who've never been on one, a Wiki Walk is where you look up one topic [for example, on wikipedia] and follow interesting areas down a rabbit-hole. Only to emerge somewhere around Real Ghost Stories or Cryptids Near Me wondering how the hell you got there from where you started.

Today's Wiki walk started with Extra Credit - which covers a lot of interesting things, including various languages you can tell a story to an audience in, and I'm not talking

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Challenge #01312-C217: Unsuitable Revival

"What's a Fairy Floss machine? Is it some kind of weapon of mass destruction?

"You probably call it Cotton Candy."

"Nope! Never heard of it."

"Look I'll show you how it works."

10 minutes and 300plus small children later.

"You know, it just might be a weapon of mass destruction." -- Anon Guest

There are phrases of doom. "Hey watch this," coming from a human, is a sure sign that something impressively dangerous is about to happen. Shayde has hundreds of them,

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I'm running contest

I'm pretty darn close to having 300 followers who aren't porn blogs, so I'm doing a thank you give-away of both books and hand-made earrings. Follow the link for all details.

So not only do you have a chance of winning some excellent writing but also some of my hand-made jewelry featured in the original post. Get to it, dear readers!

In other news, I have recently heard that my stories are excellent cures for at least one relative's insomnia. Thanks. I

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Challenge #01311-C216: Relative Insanity

"Maybe you should consider it. Who knows, you might even have...” [Person] stopped and whispered conspiratorially, “fun!"

"That's not a word, I'd have heard of it," was their flat reply. They held a straight face just long enough for [Person] to look horrified before they laughed. -- RecklessPrudence

Of all the fearsome forces in the universe, none is more terrifying than these two words issuing forth from a human mouth, "I'm bored."

Rael hadn't even known that he could get shivers up

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