Fucking Anxiety

A 25-post collection

I gotta but I don't wanna

I remember going through this during the 2012 floods. Frozen with fear and watching the news circle around. Just sitting and watching the devastation while I was holed up and listening to the ceaseless sound of rain. I couldn't move and I couldn't do anything else but stay informed.

I'm reaching a point where I don't want to leave the bed. I went to bed in the afternoon when I was done with my Instant and I spent the rest of the night and some of this morning in a series of naps interspersed with feelgood projects because looking at any more news was going to make me cry.

Nevertheless, I keep coming back to the headlines like a moth to the flame. Including today's firkin worst news:

[Shown here: Screencap of the notification that there's been one new case of Covid-19

This is a personal hit for me. I was just four days away from being able to go shopping without a mask and without fear... but no. Someone with the plague came into Queensland and reset my impending freedom counter back to firkin zero.

I'm going to spend an entire day in bed again. Fuck this shit.

In the news:

  • Site to provide permits to cross the closed border(s) keeps crashing. Which might be the point. If you don't have a permit, you can't legally cross, and then you can't spread the plague. Everyone wins except your selfish arse. Which I kind of endorse
  • Plague spreading so fast in the USA that contact tracing is impossible
  • US Prisons are, unsurprisingly, hotbeds of said plague and businesses are complaining because their force of ersatz slaves is no longer available
  • Buying limits return as people repeat the mistakes of the first plague by purchasing shit they don't even need
  • The Muppet nopes the USA out of the World Health Organisation in a move that will eventually cause epic levels of regret years after he's quit office
  • Victoria finally admits that it was complacency, not beauty, that unleashed the beast currently named as a second wave. I called it firkin AGES ago
  • Brazil's leader and fellow virus denialist has been confirmed as sick with the plague. Schadenfreude feels GOOD in this case as the man is/was evidently a living canker sore
  • Australians taking the trial vaccine have to follow a whole bunch of rules to get paid upwards of $2K for a poke in the arm with a sharp stick
  • Dietary supplement andrographis causes Covid-19 symptoms (notably loss of taste) in some users. Ironically, this was sold as herbal relief of flu-type virii
  • 800 companies could perish forever because Scotty From Marketing refused to keep supporting them. Heaven forfend that your rich buddies actually support the economy like they keep saying they do, Scotty
  • British police are just as racist as the American ones, arresting a sprinter for Driving While Black

I'm writing my story, going on some kind of rant, and then going back to bed.

Fuck this shit, I'm out.

Hooray, it's the anxiety alarm clock

I've got one of those "It's do-able, but..." schedules today, and thank GROP the shrink visit is virtual because there's a high likelihood that I am going to be rat-faced tired before 5PM so I can start the cycle again. Whee.

It's 1AM so I'm officially too late to take a HTML-sleep [aka HTP-5, the nice concoction that metabolises into melatonin. If I took it now, I would be rat-faced exhausted all firkin day.

So. I'm up at one in the morning

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It's an INTERESTING day!

Woke up at a quarter to midnight and realised - hey, Toasty's having a stream and if I go back to sleep, the alarm is just going to wake me up grumpy and useless.

So I got up and pootled around [finished a chapter of Lust of the Demon Lord, to be posted on Patreon this week. Yay] and enjoyed some GOOD GOOD THIRST ART which is tickling the shipping receptors in my brain. This is a good thing.

Also today -

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Beautiful to Look At...

I finally made a beautiful-looking loaf:

[Shown here: A sourdough loaf still in the Dutch oven. It has risen like an angel]

The downside is that it feels worryingly dense and I fear we will be making some very pretty bruchetta with it. Ah well. I did everything "wrong" but at least it looks like it turned out lovely.

I used up the last of the White Wings wholemeal flour making this, and this is a list of the things I did:

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I have the fraids...

Got myself some fresh hot anxiety, directly from the oven of my gremlin brain. I don't even know why it's spiking NOW, but it's where I am and flakk this to heck and gone.

The focus on powering the economy in literally every nation is going to lead to more deaths and I'm just waiting for the hammer to fall. Scotty from Marketing is planning to cut Jobkeeper as soon as all the schools re-open because of course he is. This is

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The Clusterfuck Continueth

Just as they're easing restrictions, we have a cluster of new cases and who would have predicted this? Oh, wait. Literally everyone who knows how viruses work. Good job.

The conspiracy theorists have more fuel for their fire because a lab in Wuhan allegedly shut down due to some mishap. This could be: (a) a direct result of funding loss because The Muppet doesn't believe in science, (b) actual protocol related to a suit puncture or spillage or something of the ilk

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Some Fun Now

Miss Chaos is the only one staying home to prevent the spread of the plague. I might send her back to school as of next week, but this really requires a consult with Beloved and an honest discussion of the risks. Chaos can't take her phone with her and therefore can't use the alleged protection of the extant Covid tracking apps.

YAY.

Our most vulnerable to infection and spread [with bonus points for being inclined to be asymptomatic] can't use the one

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Friday!

I don't have enough flour to be confident about making bread, but Mayhem is taking up the slack by using all my bread mix to make bread according to the instructions. He's loving it.

I like the fact that none of this bread mix is going to waste. Mayhem is making bread to be proud of, even though I can't eat it.

I've blended my harvests together this morning and made some ENORMOUS sourdough frisbees. When Chaos gets back to school, I'll

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Hello, anxiety

I'm pretty sure I know exactly what's behind the intense anxiety I get whenever someone drops a hateful review of my writing. So hello, childhood fear of people bad-mouthing me because that would soon be followed by physical violence. It hasn't been long enough.

I keep telling myself that this person somewhere in the wilderness of the interwebs can't actually track me down and beat me up for being weird. All they have is their words.

I also have to note that

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Sigh...

I have just published episode 5 of Inter-Mission, which is now out on Anchor, linked over on the "PODCAST!" link up in the menu, there. It should also be out on the current affiliates with Anchor, which are:

  • Apple Podcasts
  • Breaker
  • Google Podcasts
  • Overcast
  • Pocket Casts
  • Radio Republic, and...
  • Spotify

Find me on your favourite audio streaming option from the above. Share and enjoy.

I've reached an embuggerance with the dang Kitty Kondo (tm) because we know a 10mm hole is too

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I need five cubic meters of cotton wool...

...and a big burly bloke named Bruce to take care of me while I'm down.

Today's embuggerance is sponsored by the Internet, a finished novel, asthma, heavy anxiety, and my general disability to cope with multiple crises at once.

  • I have finished writing B'Nar
  • Which may be a contributing factor in today's anxiety spike
  • I'm having a Clayton's Asthma Attack
  • Which may also contribute to said anxiety spike
  • The internet connection to the outside world is fucking DEAD
  • Which definitely contributes to
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So I fucked up. Again

I'm busy trying to be rational towards my anxiety, and it's not exactly working. I've made mistakes with my narrative choices before. It should be no big deal.

Except...

Except I've done this twice in the space of one month and I'm normally more careful about this kind of thing and, like the impending speeding ticket in the red tape stage of landing on me, I'm afraid this will somehow wreck my life plans.

Screwing up stories by saying things sideways or

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Getting My Shit Together

I'm headed off up to Tullagawoopwoop to visit my friendo soon. So far, I've gathered most of my clothing into a bag in case I couldn't get the suitcases, and then got the suitcases down -_-

There's a phenominal amount of gecko crap on them and I should brush them off before I get packing, and the list of things I really should buy is starting to grow...

But of course I also have to arrange for Mayhem's book list to

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Fargnax!

I have a lot of stress. Most of it is self-inflicted. And worse, I can't do shit about it.

  • The expert recommended more tests.
  • Mayhem doesn't want to do them.
  • I finally triple-checked Sweet Child of Mine and started posting it on AO3. It is a rough beast of a whump fic. Be warned.
  • I'm still watching Adapting in slush pile limbo. So far, it's in a state of not being looked at.

I should go with the most likely scenario, but.

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I Need a Cure

My anxiety is in rare form this morning. We're seeing an expert about Mayhem's digestive issues, today.

There's a high likelihood that said expert will recommend irreversible invasive surgery and I am prepared to fight like a tiger about this.

And I am terrified - absolutely bone-deep terrified - that I will somehow fail and legal shit will get involved on all of this.

I have to think of this in a Best Case, Worst Case, Most Likely Case scenario.

Best Case:

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