Menu

Subscribe

Amalgam Universe

A 2297-post collection

Challenge #00964-B233: Where Have All the Dinos Gone?

http://immaplatypus.tumblr.com/post/128003023050/bethosaurus-sunslammerdown

(Prompt from CallMeGallifreya on Tumblr)

[AN: For those of you who can't be bothered following the link, the text reads as follows:

OP: What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought "Well, fuck this planet" and never came back?

1stReply: what if when humans went out into the galaxy all the aliens panicked because if the dinosaurs tiny fur snacks now had spaceships and laser blasters and interstellar colonies then what the fuck were the dinosaurs up to???

2ndReply: #important human policy: do not let any aliens know the dinosaurs are extinct#EVER

3rdReply: jurassic park movies as extremely important interstellar propaganda

4thReply: This is probably the best post on Tumblr tbh it combines aliens, dinosaurs, space travel, evolution and borderline absurd humor in one thing]

The primary reason why the Hal'botha made nervous neighbours was that they were one wormhole jump away from the Sol system. They had visited the only planet with complex life, a long time ago. It had left a lasting impression.

Gigantic monsters, they said. Carnivores in every cubic volume unit. Even the insects devoured blood and flesh.

Of course, they were understandably upset when they learned that their immediate neighbours had started turning up on planetary colonies. The Hal'botha's first reaction was to check the Terran media to discover what had happened to the gigantic, carnivorous beasts that had snacked on the small mammals that had since evolved into cogniscence.

Results were even more alarming than they had thought. The humans had, indeed, evolved from the small tunnelling mammals that had been barely noticeable in their initial visit. Not only that, but they had evidently tamed and domesticated the dinosaurs for their entertainment.

They had even genetically modified them for the entertainment of their young.

The Hal'botha sent out the alarm to the greater Galactic Alliance. These balding bipeds could not be trusted. They were dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Monitored transmissions of their competitive events only added fuel to the fire.

Humans were Deathworlders. They were capable of things that no rational cogniscent would attempt. And they lived to show others how to do similar things. Anything beyond their physical capability? They would quickly invent machinery to assist them in their irrational endeavours.

They even visited other worlds before they developed proper radiation shielding.

The Hal'botha were even more alarmed when they realised that the humans had not taken any dinosaurs with them to their colony worlds. It meant either that the dinosaurs were unnecessary... or that they, too, had evolved.

Just the mental image of hyper-intelligent, carnivorous, deathworlder saurians on their own colony worlds... it was enough to send the Hal'botha into an extended, xenophobic retreat from Galactic Society as a whole.

So when it came time for the first Galactic Ambassadorial Meet with humans, Hal'botha had only one question.

One can imagine the fortitude of Ambassador Harry, faced with a being that resembled, in her words, "a giant zombie vampire bear" that demanded to know where the dinosaurs had gone. She was halfway tempted to tell him that they were still around in secret facilities, just to make the scary loud alien go away.

It was a tense moment, with Ambassador Harry clinging to her podium for strength. She eventually defaulted to a phrase from her previous work as the Tea Lady. "Sorry," she squeaked, "we haven't got any..."

(Muse food remaining: 21. Submit a Prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories! Or comment below!)

Challenge #00962-B231: Just Like Bricks Don't

On the training plane for the Space Shuttle, the gearshift had three setitings: “fly like a plane”, “fly like a brick”, and “fly like the shuttle”. Please note that “brick” was used as an intermediate step between “plane” and “shuttle”

(Prompt from RecklessPrudence on Tumblr)

"Now this," said the human in the tones of someone sharing something delightful, "is old school."

"It looks like a simple re-entry vehicle," Tarb'nathad tapped a wing. "Primitive, yet effective."

"You have 'primitive' right," Kanta, too, had

Read more »

Termination of Services

Flashing red lights greeted Pamela as she woke from Stasis again. Something mechanical in the Vault Complex had gone wrong enough to need repair. It was the only reason that the system had to wake her.

The only reason that those in the Cryo-vaults needed her at all.

Pamela rose from her bunk and sat in the automated medical chair. If she did not do so promptly, the system would declare her dead and shut off the power to her survival suite,

Read more »

Challenge #00956-B225: Convoluted Jones

“[Name]? What are you doing here?”

“It’s a long story. I have a tank.”

“I kind of noticed by the way you shelled the bad guys and then drove it through the wall, Jones. One, how the flakk did you get your hands on a pre-Shattering Terran tank, and two: how the flakk did you find live ammo for it?”

“That’s… another long story. Better told inside. It’s noisy, but there’s headsets. And you can take over

Read more »

Challenge #00952-B221: Innovative Resource Management

They outsourced a surprising amount of their ship building (that is, they had a habit of using ships captured in battle).

People think low-gravvers are weak. Let me tell you something. A deathworlder adapted to a low-G environment is still a deathworlder.

And when there’s a hive of them in chained asteroids… you do not throw rocks at the nest.

I saw it from a safe distance and under a definite amnesty. I’m not stupid enough to cross with

Read more »

Challenge #00951-B220: Pacifying Maneuvres

We haven’t checked other species yet, but it seems to be almost universal in humans that we can’t help but at least smile, and often begin laughing, when we see a giggly baby.

The Havenworlders retreated behind their safety shields as various human factions began raising their voices.

Shayde, somehow, broke out a gigantic cup of popcorn. She masticated whilst grinning.

Someone, somewhere, pressed a brightly-coloured button.

Starting at the main viewer, every screen in the Ambassadorial Meet became dominated

Read more »

Challenge #00944-B213: One Bad Day at Station Customs

http://brutusfeels.tumblr.com/post/125690756909/haberdashing-ofshxeld-my-favourite-trope-is

Have fun!

The haughty Meyahndan in gold-coloured hunting leathers sneered down her nose at Pol. “We are Felids,” she said, showing her claws by tapping her fist against the opposite shoulder. “We are never unarmed.”

Why did her first day have to happen during an Ambassadorial Meet? “One moment,” she said, consulting the manual. Ah. Meyahndese. Yes. “Uhm. It says you have to have a permit? Otherwise you have to clip them short.”

She hissed

Read more »

Challenge #00943-B212: 'Straya Mate

Someone runs across this book. And then are told about the fact in the last comment.

“This,” said T’reka a’Nyerrik, “is a book for N’Ozzie children?”

“Yes,” said the helpful Archivaas with a bundle of similar tomes. “N’Oz colonists insisted on bringing their -ah- scientifically interesting native flora and fauna with them from Australia.”

Ah yes. Australia. The only land mass on Earth that almost rated a Level Six on the Deathworlder scale. In fact, N’Oz itself

Read more »

Challenge #00942-B211: Skewed Threat Assessment

Someone aware of how beneficial, on the whole, spiders are to humanity asks why there is such a disconnect between the threat posed by and reaction to spiders as opposed to the threat posed by and reaction to mosquitoes.

(Let’s ignore the Sydney Funnel Web, for the purposes of this discussion)

“Statistically speaking,” allowed Nik, “your species has more to fear from the Mosquito than it does any arachnid. Or pseudo-arachnid, for that matter.”

“Logically,” countered Shayde, “ye got a point.

Read more »

Challenge #00941-B210: Idiosyncrasies

The person who asked about the human Oshit reaction witnesses a human watching the YMCA spider video for the first time (and the human is not like one of my best friends, whose reaction is still “Kill it with fire!”)

K’leb’th happened to find a space to sit near an unfamiliar human. Ze was messing around with a palm-sized device and occasionally playing things for hirself.

Ah. This human, much like Cambry, had subscribed to The Daily Meme, a co-operative

Read more »

Challenge #00940-B209: Arachnophilia

An alien aware of the general human reaction to spiders runs across someone whose first response to an Oshit is “how cute!”

“Being cautious, please, Engineer Murray,” K’teth warned as she unlocked her vessel. “Security measures on vessel mine being non-standard.“

The brown-skinned human grinned. “No worries. You can call me Baz. Everyone does. Now… I know you were knocking around Pirate Turf for a year or so?”

“Yes. Learning fast, am I, there are few tech solutions to hackers.

Read more »

Challenge #00939-B208: Universal Reactions

Someone finally asks a human why there is such a nigh-universal-among-the-species visceral reaction to an Oshit when seeing one up close for the first time.

Many scientific establishments hired Humans to conduct the more risky aspects of their experiments. Firstly, because the humans were tough enough to withstand the results. Secondly, because they were insane enough to want to repeat the experience.

They also used vermin as experimental animals.

“What ho, loony lizards,” said Cambry. She aimed a lazy salute at the

Read more »

Challenge #00938-B207: Human Phenomena

An alien witnessing a human do the “Just walked through a spiderweb” dance for the first time

OR

A scholar writing a research paper on the one dance universal to all human tribal cultures, the “Spiderweb” dance.

In augmented scope sight, the web was clearly visible. And the spider itself stood out like a miniature sun.

“This spider,” whispered a lizard off to one side of the screen, “has been weaving and re-weaving its web all night. In a few hours, it

Read more »

Challenge #00937-B206: Living Proof

Another Humans Are Crazy point: most bright colours in the animal kingdom are for either a mating display or are a poison warning. The brighter the colours, the more likely it’s poison - see snakes and frogs, even compared to peacocks they are brighter (if less visually spectacular overall).

Most other animals, on seeing the fluorescent poison warning colours, are rightly horrified. 

Meanwhile, humans think they are pretty.

Of all the ambassadorial mistakes Harry could have made, this one pretty much

Read more »