Necromancy

A 4-post collection

Challenge #02776-G219: Peculiar Parenting Problems

There were things I expected to say to my children when I got into this whole parenthood thing. Things like "don't eat that" and "put your pants on" and "stop drawing on the walls" or "do your homework". Then, there were the things that took me by surprise. "Don't put that in your butt" was one, and "NO! DON'T PUSH YOUR BROTHER DOWN THE STAIRS!!" was another, but most recently, "If you make me faceplant into broken glass, you will be in so much trouble" took the cake. -- Anon Guest

[AN: Honestly, one could collect a whole encyclopaedia's worth of "Things I never expected to say as a parent" and there would still be new submissions by volume 128...]

Some things about parenthood are universal. Some are timeless. Some are both. Parentals of all genders, identities, and relations to the young have heard themselves saying things like, "What have you got?" in a semi-warning tone. Phrases like, "No you can't," or, "Get that out of your mouth," or, "Stop messing about," or, "Put that down," are so common that they might become rote.

It's the other things unique to the situations at hand that end up stunning the adults in the room. For perfectly logical reasons, various parentals have had to say such things as, "Get down out of there before you fall down out of there," or, "That is not for your bottom," or, "That is neither nutritious nor delicious," or, "Back-to-front, dear."

A parental would have a perfectly logical reason to say, "You have your feet on backwards," for instance. Today, in this family, in this house, it was, "I thought I said that should stay buried." It's not easy living in a household of natural necromancers.

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Challenge #02063-E239: Barry Critiques Them Afterwards

(Person 1): "So this is how I die... With thunderous applause..."

(Person 2): "Stop being so dramatic." -- TheDragonsFlame

Taako had been through many adventures. He had travelled across a hundred realities. He had bargained away his beauty, his health, and a skill to save the world. But this? This had to be the toughest fight of his life. For example, strictly off the top of his head, the fifteen-point landing he'd just endured because this particular band of necromantic chucklefucks had

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Challenge #01877-E053: Working With the Dead

Sometimes the person you admire or love has a passion or hobby that they would really love to get stuff for. -- Anon Guest

Hobbyists are easy to buy for. Well. Most of them are. Gardeners will love you for getting a big bag of manure. Leatherworkers - the less said about the gross stuff that Leatherworkers would thank you for, the better. Especially if they do their own tanning. Arts and crafts people will be grateful for infinite art supplies.

But

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Challenge #01110-C013: Fear of the Gifted Child

http://thefingerfuckingfemalefury.tumblr.com/post/129483030883/ayellowbirds-sorceringing-the-vegan-muser -- RecklessPrudence

There were skeleton spiders in the lab. No, not the exoskeletons, which novices animated for practice, but actual spiders made of bones.

That one had a rib cage for an abdomen.

"Clerita... what the flying hell?"

Clerita, the problem child, the one who was always so far ahead of everyone that she seemed like she was behind, looked up from her current project. A bird with bony pinions. "Uhm," she said.

"Why?" demanded

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