Various cable news channel’s reactions to Kermit T. Frog running for political office as an Independant, with the re-animated corpse of Fred “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” Rogers as his running mate.
Fred Rogers looked just as he did when he was alive. He had the same ready smile and the same sparkle in his bespectacled eyes. He had the same sweater on that he wore in his last show.
But that wasn’t the disturbing part.
The disturbing part was Kermit. He was still a muppet. Not a real, living frog. He moved and sounded just like he did when Jim Henson played him. The only difference was that he no longer needed the rods on his hands or a small team of ninjas to walk.
He wore a suit and talked like an adult on a late-night talk show.
“No, no, we’re not calling ourselves democrats. We’re not calling ourselves republicans. We’re not libertarian, we’re-we’re not any of that. No,” said Kermit. “We’re here for the children, and we expect to get voted in by any parent who cares about their kids.”
“And you aren’t afraid of becoming a -uh- puppet… government?”
“Hahaha,” deadpanned Kermit. “That’s the fifth time someone’s said that. We’re just living up to the principals we believe everyone should hold. And if someone tries to use us for their own profit, that’s going to be their problem.”
“We’re not going to turn the senate or house into the Children’s Television Workshop,” said Mr Rogers. “Though I’m certain we can all think of a few senators who need a time out.”
Laughter.
“We’ll-we’ll-we’ll discuss that later,” said Kermit. “We just want people to be honest and actually think about the children.”
“Yes,” agreed Mr Rogers.
“What do you have planned on this ‘honesty in politics’ platform?”
“There’s too many liars in office,” said Mr Rogers.
“Yes,” agreed Kermit. “You look at most of the talking points they have. They say they’re about jobs, but they don’t subsidise American manufacturers or make it easy for smaller businesses to hold their own. They say they’re pro-life, and then they-they-they cut funding for single moms or axe the school lunch programs. We think that’s very bad.”
“We’re reforming the tax system, too.”
“Oh yes. If you’re an American citizen, and you have holdings overseas? You gotta bring that back to the US or pay a fifty percent tax on the estimated value. If you try to cheat and leave the US before you can pay? We’re going to be working with the UN to seize the lot.”
“We have to pay for the school initiatives somehow,” smiled Mr Rogers.
It’s all going to be about quality education. Sesame Street will be on television and we’re going to trim the real fat.
“Starting with the presidential budget.”
“Yeah, neither of us need to eat so that’s a whole billion dollars that can go somewhere else.”
“Somewhere useful.”
“We’re-we’re hoping other senators and officials will-will work out what they need and what they don’t need and donate to the people of America,” said Kermit.
“We’re from PBS,” said Mr Rogers. “We’re used to asking for donations.”
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