Amalgam Universe

A 2271-post collection

Challenge #00876-B145: DO NOT ASK

Murphy’s Law, and ensuing resulting chaos thereof.

[AN: You can get some really interesting ones over here: http://www.scottrainey.com/jokes/murphys_laws.htm]

There are rules to space travel. Primary amongst them is: Shut the flakking door. And many of them are cycled upwards or downwards depending on the frequency of use.

But always, somewhere in the top ten is: Never ask questions with an inherently obvious answer.

The
examples of the lawbreakers are numerous. Blex T’iiv once said, “They’re only level three Deathworlders. What can they do to us?” and quickly found out.

R’ixxo the Mighty asked, “How can those squishy things conquer a solar system?” and got a very practical demonstration.

And many humans have had, “It can’t get much worse, can it?” as their epitaph.

And, in retrospect, Trader Ax’and’s should really learn to stop asking, “What else can this human do to make my life more complicated?”

The human had a nervous rictus and both hands cupping his genitals. “Hi,” was the only greeting he had.

“I take it your ‘date’ didn’t go that well.”

“Ah. No. Water-soluable clothing. Water sluice ride. Do I need to spell it out?”

Ax’and’l sighed. “Has a complaint been registered against Ambassador Shayde?”

Sherlock maintained his usual unreadable facade. “Mister Barrow refuses to press charges. He said he deserved it.”

“What did he do to–” Ax’and’l cut himself off. He was learning. “No. No. Never mind. I’m sure I’ll read about it in the news feeds.”

Hwell belched an anxious titter. “Yeah. She kind of made certain there was a lot of press…”

[Muse food remaining: 8. Submit a prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories!]

Challenge #00873-B142: Distracting Objects

Keets and a laser pointer.

Problem one: Keets are super-delicate babies and must be protected.

Problem two: Keets are as hyper as all get out in rainy weather.

Problem three: Keets can climb, but they’re not that great at getting down safely.

Problem four: they’re suicidally curious and have worked out how to open the playroom door.

Keri had to keep them under constant supervision and off the shelving and occupied until the grownups came back.

And, as further trouble,

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Sahra only wanted one thing - a better life for her family. Unfortunately, she's currently on the bottom end of the status ladder and...

Sahra only wanted one thing - a better life for her family. Unfortunately, she’s currently on the bottom end of the status ladder and literally has no power over anything.

Until she meets some of the rebels and discovers her mental powers are more than anyone would assume, leading her into a rollercoaster ride of stealth and intrigue that culminates in her becoming an Ambassador for her people.

You can own the entire trilogy for less than $6!

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Challenge #00870-B139: Never Hitchhike Drunk

“And that is how I accidentally fostered peace between two species and became mayor of Broccolopolis”

Let me tell you, there are some cargo haulers out there who can make Space Lightning out of anything that can ferment.

And freeze-distilling that stuff in Kelvin-scale temperatures gives it one hell of a kick.

And my brewer in chief decided to drop me off somewhere light years away from my destination.

A planet in the middle of a generations-long war.

By the time I

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Challenge #00869-B138: One Mildly Hazardous Evening in the Commercial Concourse

After many stumbles and a lot of explaining and apologising, how does the first date between little havenworlder and big scary deathworlder go?

It had taken some significant time in negotiations and a lot of
education on both sides. Ground rules established. Diets planned, they
now sat awkwardly across from each other at Unsuitable Food Eat.

Bear cleared his throat three times before he said, “I understand you’re insectivorous? Do you mind sharing a Hakuna Platter?”

“That
is…“ Ryll scrolled

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Challenge #00868-B137: Mistakes Were Made

After http://internutter.tumblr.com/post/119809238784/challenge-00851-b120-one-fine-evening-at-a

The deathworlder’s attempts to apologise for the earlier incident and continue to express interest in the little havenworlder

This negotiation booth had a clear barrier between the Human called Bear and the Agamid called Ryll.

Both parties had a security detail and a negotiations counsellor.

“I’m very sorry,” said Bear. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Usually those lines get a big laugh.”

“Cogniphagia is humorous?” meeped Ryll in alarm.

“Uhhh&

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Challenge #00867-B136: Manuals Exist for a Reason

Two people are standing in front of [Large, technical, dangerous-but-necessary item]. They are discussing how to do something highly dangerous with it that is their best hope at this point.

Person #1: [Name], walk us through this.

Person #2: First, you’ll want to [BAD IDEA]. Then [ANOTHER BAD IDEA]. After that, [NO]. Then [DON’T DO THIS] and [SERIOUSLY, DON’T].

Person #3: So…basically everything written here, in order, right after ‘WARNING: DO NOT’…

Person #2: Essentially.

The night before

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Challenge #00866-B135: When You Have a Hammer...

Person #1: Great! You just gave an engineer a problem that can’t be solved with duct tape. Now we’re going to be stuck here all day.
Person #2: There are problems that can’t be solved with duct tape?

“Maybe if I recalibrate the spline actuator frigit…”

“What’s the first rule?” demanded Captain Dalia.

Sub-lieutenant
Branley sighed and toed at the metal plate floor. “Never give a stop-over mechanic a problem that can’t be solved with ductape,

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Challenge #00864-B133: Versatility

string, 1001 uses.

“Um,” said Rael.

“What?” said Pix.

“It’s more than a
thousand and one,” he said, reaching slowly for a handbook datachip and
slotting it into his reader. “The uses for string pile into the
billions, if not quintillions. Of course, some of it is dependant on the
originating fibre and the definition of ‘string’.”

Pix glared at him. “I might not have enough funds for an infodump, sir.”

Ah. Right. People paid to hear information. He was still

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T'reka just wanted to learn. Unfortunately for her, her entire species views scientific thinking as a form of insanity. And when she wants...

T'reka just wanted to learn. Unfortunately for her, her entire species
views scientific thinking as a form of insanity. And when she wants to
learn all about the various venomous, poisonous, and outright deadly
life forms on a land mass named Toxic Island, you can almost see why.
Little did she know that when she committed her life to the study of
this strange and hostile land, there was already a colony of monsters
setting up housekeeping. Now she’s face-to-face

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Sahra Johnston started as the lowest class of slave. Then at six, she accidentally joined the rebellion against her masters and gave her...

Sahra Johnston started as the lowest class of slave. Then at six, she
accidentally joined the rebellion against her masters and gave her new
allies more than a few nefarious ideas. By the age of nine, she’d turned
five systems on their heads and faced down people who could literally eat her alive. And now she’s toe-to-toe against the united forces of the
Galactic Alliance.
Hevun help THEM.

Part three of the Hevun’s Child Trilogy! Yours for

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Things are not going well for the Rebellion. Their leading strategical genius is missing, presumed dead. Complete with a tearful farewell....

Things are not going well for the Rebellion. Their leading strategical
genius is missing, presumed dead. Complete with a tearful farewell.
Enemy forces herded her into certain death. Their only hope is to
continue trying the tricks she taught them, and praying for salvation.
But the Majestrix -may she die a million excruciating deaths- is lording
her small victory over her political rivals. And when a message comes to the Rebellion from an enemy listening post that isn’t a listening

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Challenge #00863-B132: Shattered Fables

It turns out that some species’ mythical creatures are almost identical to real creatures found on the home planet of another species.

K’karik almost forgot to breathe. There, sitting in the enclosure of the Terran zoo, was  clearly Skybear. It was grey like a storm cloud, and sitting up against a tree. Its ears were the white puffs of high stratus clouds.

Just like in the stories.

Legend said the song of the Skybear was a marvel to behold.

Legend didn’

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