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Depression

A 13-post collection

But I don' _wanna_...

We need...

We need a decent dinner. We need cream because we're running out. We need snackables for the kids' lunchboxes. We need to find a local source of good eggs that won't break the bank because trundling to North Lakes every third day to get them is going to drain my budget faster than anything else.

Economically, I long for the days when we could just pop on over to the Golden Circle factory outlet and just get boxes of whatever and not care. But... I was also spending too much on my meds, so that's something I need to ponder.

My budget's going to change over the next few weeks. Because we no longer have half a cow corpse in our freezer. And it might be some time before we get another stash like that. Especially since I did a whole bunch of stew so we'd have some go-to food for the interim.

Because I can have weeks when I don't want to do the thing.

Just like today, but that's another whine for a different cheese.

We need a lot of stuff and I had been saving money on the get-it-when-I-need-it model. But no more. Because now I need to buy proteins, and those are the most expensive things on the shopping list.

So even though I'm going no further than the local shopping labyrinth, I'm dreading it. Because fuel costs. Meat costs. Veggies cost. Cheese costs. Cream costs when you want the good stuff. And I need to resupply with Mascarpone.

This week will be based entirely around what I can get at Aldi's first, and source the rest from wherever.

And to top it all off, my asthma is just not going away. I expected to get better, but no. It's getting worse.

And then there's a whole bunch of inertia centred around the fact that I know I'm going to need more money than I have. And spending it all is a free ticket to Depression Town because I can't firkin save for my New Compy Fund that way and suddenly my entire life just... sucks.

My energy levels drop to a fraction of what they once were. I do less. I feel guilty about doing less. And down and down I go, round and round I go...

To try and ameliorate this, I picked out some of my fancy clothing. Only to realise just now that said fancy wear is all black.

Sigh.

Well screw it. I'm an Addams for the day. I'm going to spend too much. I'm not going to save anything this week. And we will still survive.

Slow start

Since nobody gets out of bed before 5:30 anyway, I'm re-setting my alarm to that time and not waking up early for half an hour of heartbreaking inertia. And that's all I have this morning. Inertia has me in its wicked claws today.

I woke up at around 3 and tried and failed to get back to sleep. A combo of Beloved's snoring and the various little annoying lights in the room kept me awake. The phone makes the body lotion

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...dagnabbit

Good news: I have found a way to do an efficient read-through of Beauties before I send it off to my dear, dedicated Beta-readers.

Bad news: It sucks balls and takes an age to do.

The method? I get my computer to read my book to me and follow along. Chapter by chapter. I have to take the time to devote myself to this so that my Betas have more to enjoy and less to do. Y'all should be backup to make

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Deep sigh...

I'm having a hump day. Very much aware of all the things I really should get done but also depend on the actions of others.

I need to get Adapting out to my beta readers. Or that writing group who could allegedly help if they didn't hate science fiction. BUT - I need Beloved to get it reader-ready because nobody but your own, strange and humble martian actually uses Pages for the Mac. [And even then, not for much longer. I'm now

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Ugh

Dentist appointment, today. Gonna get that plaque scraped off my teeth et cetera. And told that I might lose my front teeth if I'm not careful.

I'm being careful as much as I can, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to get artificial incisors. Sooner or later, it's going to happen. It's pretty much inevitable.

Fortunately, my dentist is just as invested in me keeping my teeth as I am.

What I am going to do is drag my little

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Welp. Gotta do it today

I never got the message from Officeworks about the books, so I have to chase them down about it today. I gotta get lunchboxes, pay bills, and plan the laying-in-of-supplies.

Thank goodness I now know a place where I can get poppas and snacks by the crate.

I gotta get myself into enough gear to cook meals again. These last few weeks have been heat-and-eat when they haven't been purchase-and-gorge. Beloved's been enormously helpful, but they can't cook for me forever.

Nibbling

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Aaaah holidays

There's something about the school holidays that just makes me want to lie in until my back aches. At least I wasn't waylaid by Steamworld Heist, today. Just a solid dollop of The Lazies.

I want to take care of a drift of boxed debris as part of tidying up for Yuletide, but Beloved insists that all boxes going into the big shed must be sealed and labled. I'm thinking of making Beloved to it with my help. It's a cool enough

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3:07 AM

Well, fuck.

Beloved is out working so late that it’s early. And I have the shittiest time sleeping alone.

My feet hurt. It’s cold. And I think I might need the nebuliser because I haven’t been looking after myself.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck

And of course at 3AM I get thoughts like:

One day I will be problematic to somebody.

One day someone will dig up something I said in a previous decade that I cringe about even now.

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ladyshinga: One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is...

ladyshinga:

One of the more weird and frustrating things about depression to explain to people, especially concerned/worried loved ones, is that you’re not suicidal really it’s just… sometimes you’re so… tired. You’re so apathetic, that… it’s not the active death of yourself that you’re wanting. That requires so much more energy than you have, and it’s too violent an act for what you want. There’s just sometimes this quiet and exhausted desire to

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-_-

my morning got off to a lovely start at fuckit in the morning when Beloved came home and woke me up by going to bed

then i spent the rest of the morning trying to get back to sleep

only to finally have a dream about the alarm going off and actually waking me up TWO FUCKING MINUTES before the alarm actually went off

i’ve already had my coffee of the day and it’s not fucking working

the printer won’

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I'm in a Mood...

It’s nobody’s fault but mine. I play these games with my own head that I can’t stop or turn around. Depressing shit below the cut. [TW: Thoughts of death]

The bad things count more than the good things, and the unresolved bad things just… keep… weighing me down.

I should be glad that I have three more followers… but I fret that none of them are going to buy my books when they

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Feeling heavy

I feel heavy.

Not a physical heaviness. More a spiritual weight that drags me down to the point where I don’t feel like anything can lift me back up.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this down.

The house is clean. I’m on top of the laundry. I’m on top of the dishwashing. I’m on top of the floor - keeping it clean, that is.

I should be on top

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I Can't Fix Everything.

I had a massive bout of depression, recently.

No, nothing epic. Just the kind that makes you feel like you’re backed into a corner and also that the gravity has been turned up by at least fifty percent.

I have been reading a lot of OWS and related topics. It’s sad for me that the greatest country in the world is threatening to implode because a few greedy arseholes find it more convenient to ship their investments to

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