I Hate This Feeling

A 1-post collection

Erastide Eve

It's the Thursday before Good Friday and we still haven't got ourselves any hot cross buns. I haven't looked at my bank account, either, because I suspect it's heinous how little we have.

On the plus side - semi-religious observances for four days means we won't be doing shit until payday.

And then - I shall negotiate at least dragging Chaos out to the cinemas to watch Zootopia. Because I want to see it.

I suspect I missed the boat on Deadpool... but that's why smart people invented DVDs. And Netflix.

We collectively have enough chocolate to be theoretically deadly. Assuming someone is fool enough to eat it all in one sitting. The kids get eggs. MeMum is getting a li'l somethin'-somethin'... but the rest of us get regular chocolate products.

I really need to get back to my morning walk. I should be well over the jet lag by now [if so, why do I keep falling asleep on my arse at about 4PM?] and my feet have forgiven me for all the walking I did in Tucson. I gotta stop being a blob and get out there again.

My weight is creeping slowly upwards because of my inertia.

It's hard to get going on good habits when you're fighting the blues. Things that should be done are just... procrastinated on. You need some serious self-determination or some really great support to get into it and... well... I very rarely get great support. And self-determination is hard to do when you're at the point in your life where you're wondering if it's really worth the bother of breathing in again.

Yeah. I'm there. But it's so low key that the casual observer wouldn't notice. They'd either assume I'm lazy or assume I'm bored. My feelings don't touch them at all and I think they should be grateful instead of telling me what I need to do. They can't understand. And part of me thinks they don't want to try.

If they just tried.... maybe I wouldn't feel this way so very often.

Part and parcel of the mess that is my entire life. I have no control over other people, what they think, or what they do. I have no control over how it effects me. And very little control over what I can do to even try to get out of that morass. And if others want to make me feel guilty for that apparent selfishness... getting out is just going to take longer.

So be it.

I can control small things in my life. Not leaving a mess for others is just one thing I do on automatic. I can get Mayhem to pitch in. I can convince Chaos to help in little ways. Her tolerance for picking up her own messes is way smaller than anyone else's. And if I'm lucky, I can get Beloved to help out a little too.