Amalgam Universe

Inspired by this: http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/weird/NATL-Mom-Eats-Monstrous-Steak-in-Under-3-Minutes–239490021.html

Competitive eating may have been a thing before humans or it may not have, but they certainly made it more interesting: It suddenly jumped three rating warnings, and became a spectator sport for those brave enough to watch.

The first interspecies restaurant had a glass-walled enclosure for the humans. Polarized glass walls. Those who did not wish to view human eating habits could purchase or rent shields for their eyes that were also polarised so as to render the glass walls black and opaque.

The restaurateur had the brilliant idea of having them on offer for every non-human table. In a box that could only be unlocked by an Hour coin.

But after the food contests started amongst the humans, sales of the glasses dropped.

The sight of one human attempting to ingest a pizza the size of a table, or a burger the weight of a stripling child, or a mountain of chicken parts was, simply, too much to resist.

And then there were the times they deliberately, competitively, attempted to ingest what could easily be fatal amounts of capsaicin for each and every audience member combined.

And when the humans hosted a food-themed game show there…

Well.

The restaurateur simply changed tactics, and charged clientele extra to take the glasses away.

[Muse food remaining: 26. Submit a prompt! Ask a question! Buy my stories!]

The much anticipated performance piece entitled, ‘Ask a Rude Question, Get an Honest Answer’

Naturally, it was a human who did it. The Galactic Congress, just getting used to the idea of humans as a recognised cogniscent and not a dangerous animal, attended in droves.

Even the common throng, who usually avoided ambassadorial exhibitions like the plague, attended.

Every performance was guaranteed to be unique, because every audience was a mixture of the curious and the vocal alike.

The artist sat in

After all those dramas and documentaries about how terrifying they were, you’d think somewhere it would have been mentioned how surprisingly ineffective stabbing was against humans.

(“multiple stab wounds” is a critical but in a lot of cases not actually immediately life threatening situation unless one hits a major blood vessel or one of the more important organs. Survivors with over 100 have happened a few times)

Taken from the Lectures of Koq'riix the Human Slayer:

They call

“They’re arguing in the manner of inebriated scientists, which is to say semi-incoherently, passionately, and with citations.”

“Na, na, na, na… ‘E wasnae sayin’ tha’ black holes don’t exist… 'E was sayin’ th’ math w’s easier if'n they didn’t.”

“But that’s… that’s… that’s… thassnot the quote pipple use…”

“Aye, an&

*totally wasn’t rereading old daily stories for art ideas, nope not me*

You’ve got a few titles for the horror movies, books, tv shows and assorted media starring humans before proper first contact was made scattered in the daily drabbles, may we see one?

[AN: Of course I’m not going to write the whole thing]

They thought they were safe inside the base. But then, they thought that sprinkling their crops with capsaicin would stop the

“I think its cute how a human’s normal reaction to a loud noise is to make a loud noise back”

Love is many things, as a great writer once wrote, none of them logical.

This is true across the species, but with the humans? Only more so.

K'iiv had been holding the Noise back until his beloved mammal, Del, was fully awake and not holding anything hot or spill-able.

“I pretty much have to do the thing,

It says something about us as a species that we can see the most badass creature in any given biome, the one that not even the top predators will go near, and decide “I am going to ride that.”

They should never have gone planet-side, no matter how much Hwell complained about ‘cabin fever’. And, once they went planet-side, they definitely didn’t have to go on a tour.

And they certainly should never have gone on

Something about the other alien species and the sheer amounts of food that humans eat that would digest us alive if we didn’t digest them first. Maybe a human explaining why we want that legalised to be imported on to a space station (because nobody likes eating nothing but space bran flakes)

“Council will hear…” T'rev moaned. “The Human Coalition.”

“As secretary of the Human Coalition on this station, I receive numerous petitions and

“You know, considering how resilient humans are most of the time it’s a bit surprising that their reproductive system is so unprotected, especially the males.”

*pained moaning from just offscreen* 

This was beyond surreal. Sitting next to a human (well, technically human) and watching an ancient, speciesist movie with a human starring as the main antagonist. With the unbelievable knowledge that the human had instigated this.

He had asked why, but her answer made no sense. “Because

“a particularly nasty paradox tangle involving one monstrous salamander, sixteen copies of a popular children’s book, and a length of lead pipe”

“No. I heard it was Kudzu, unrestrained cheese and a goldfish.”

“No way. It was mouldy bread, a pile of newsprint and a tribe of cusp-cogniscent mice.”

“I swear it was the one about the hippopotamus, the hedge and the piano.”

“I thought it was just a blockage in a

“Darling, I love you, and I could never be scared of you. However some things you do will terrify me on a primal level, so please do not be offended that I practically teleport off the couch every time you do that scree-ah noise.”

“You mean this one?” Scree-ah!

“EEE!” Pant pant pant. “Yes. That’s the one. Gets me right in the primitive cortex.”

“Even with a warning?”

“Yes,

You probably already saw this but here’s another prompt for you:

http://cleromancy.tumblr.com/post/69788968504/something-i-think-about-a-lot-is-what-if-alien

[AN: No, I hadn’t seen it, but I’m running with the idea]

Not everyone meets the galactic confluence at a convenient time. And rather than rousing the ire of over thirty thousand assorted ambassadors just for an introduction, a new Ambassador is sent to go on a tour of the most important planets to know about.

And ever

Dogs on an interplanetary space station. What could possibly go wrong?

[AN: Here’s one I did earlier… But I presume you mean non-augments, so…]

The galactic community were just barely getting used to humans. There were large numbers of cogniscents who tended to run and hide when they spotted even a small one. Luckily, many humans did not view this as an insult and, in fact, some found it amusing.

The galactic community were also barely accustomed to

The concept of pets is an odd one to explain, although firsthand experience tends to fill in the gaps you can’t quite articulate. And when pets are involved experience is going to happen whether it is planned or not.

Jane figured she should get used to aliens feeling her. They didn’t mean to be rude, she knew. They were just curious.

But, she swore to God, if one more of them tried to taste her hair…

One