I get a lot of pent-up feelings. Possibly due to me biting my tongue and bottling things up for WAY too long, until the pressure is too much and I just vomit acidic words in random directions.
And the most recent cause is usually the biggest recipient.
I should be trying to find a way to politely express my exasperation, but when I'm feeling horrible, I just can't. I'm rude. I'm vicious. I'm... downright nasty.
And I know damn well I shouldn't be near anyone who gives me the irrits when I'm in a nasty mood.
I'm not going to apologise for all of yesterday's words. There was some truth in them. There was probably a lot of truth in them. Harsh and uncomfortable truth. It needs examining and sifting and smoothing over.
And, let's face it, having someone in my corner would help immensely. And not just a "hey I made a half-hearted effort at lip service to being in your corner, give me a cookie" attempt. I want someone to damn near break their heart trying.
Because I feel pretty close to broken right now.
I had a brief fantasy about making flash cards with all the things I hear on them. Phrases like, "I'm a bad parent," or, "I'm not doing things your way (and that's evil)," or, "I'm lazy," and, "I'm doing too many things for the kids." These last two are often used in the same breath. I can clearly imagine me holding them up in sequence until someone realises what they're doing to me.
BUT - if I actually did it, I would catch even more crap.
I feel like it's either that or screaming, "MAYBE IT'D BE BETTER FOR YOU IF I DIDN'T EXIST!" one day. Or possibly both.
I'm in a bad place inside my head. Despite a lovely, luxurious cuddle session with Beloved, I'm still in a bad place. I don't see many doors when I'm in these dark corners. But, oh boy, do I see lots of ways to burn all the bridges...
And I can't burn those bridges. That would be very bad.