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Challenge #01468-D007: Beware of Storytellers

“The anthropologists got it wrong when they named our species Homo sapiens ('wise man'). In any case it's an arrogant and bigheaded thing to say, wisdom being one of our least evident features. In reality, we are Pan narrans, the storytelling chimpanzee.” - Terry Pratchett (GNU) -- RecklessPrudence

What's most impressive about humans, besides their patented unkillability, is their propensity for stories. Stories encompass their lives. They explain their past with stories. Foretell the future with stories...

They even seek evidence to weave a story when nobody is alive to tell it. They expand upon their own lives. Make themselves into stories. They make their friends and family into stories, anecdotes, even jokes.

And they tell themselves stories to motivate themselves in their day-to-day lives. The most worrying part is... many of these stories come true. For example...

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Challenge #01467-D006: Surrender Now, or... What?

:In front of a delegation from [Bad Guy], facetiously:

"Commander [Good Guy]? Do you have any idea where the [Bad Guy]'s Military is? They seem to have misplaced it. And do you smell something burning?" -- RecklessPrudence

Of course, it was a metaphor. The humans were irritatingly rife with them. Smell could no more travel through the gulfs of space than sound could transmit through vacuum. Nevertheless, they were also irritatingly good at inventing means of transmitting information at ludicrously faster

Challenge #01466-D005: One Family Argument on a Summer Evening

"I haven't heard from [blank] in a while,"

"I may have not-so-accidentally told them about your secret popcorn stash,"

"You what!!" -- OohLookShiny

"You told Kel about my popcorn stash."

"Um. In my favour, I was mad at you at the time."

"You told Kel about my popcorn stash."

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Challenge #01465-D004: The Wrong Question

English is... well... it's a Germanic language where sixty percent of it is based on Latin. That should tell you everything you need to know about how awful a language English is. -- RecklessPrudence

The current meeting of the Society for the Preservation of Original English wound to a cold halt. "Who let the linguist in?" demanded someone in the assembly hall.

"Uh," said the unexpected linguist. "This isn't a language study group?"

The Chair-being took a deep breath. "This is the

Challenge #01464-D003: Dammit Dwayne!

Always remember, no matter where you are, no matter when you are, someone out there is intent on being the reason we can't have nice things. -- RecklessPrudence

Through all of time and all of space, there's always one of Them. You know Them. They're always cheerfully helpful and a beat behind everyone else's drum. They mean well, which is the most damnable of faint praise. Their heart's in the right place, people say. It's the elbows, knees and ankles you have

Challenge #01463-D002: Visit Zoq'in University!

Motto of a Uni in a world where Humans are Doc Brown (doesn't necessarily have to be a human-run uni): Training the Terrifying Terran Technologists of Tomorrow. -- RecklessPrudence

All things considered, it is a great boon to the universe that Terrans have never been able to read Golq'ethin. Otherwise, when bright-eyed and enthusiastic future engineers of all flavours entered the decorative gates, they'd have read, Zoq'in University, Training the Terrifying Terran Technologists of Tomorrow. But they could not begin to unriddle

Challenge #01462-D001: The Curse of Vows

Rest in Peace. Now get up. And go to war. -- RecklessPrudence

Falstaff the Paladin breathed in with great difficulty. "Would it kill you," he croaked, "to at least let me rest for a day or two before the resurrection spell?"

The appropriately-named Faith concentrated on her healing mantras for a moment. "The longer you're dead, the worse things get for you. Do you remember the Brain Damage Incident? I remember the Brain Damage Incident. And let's not talk about the intestine

Challenge #01461-C366: Abominations Are Relative

[Conversation Participant #1]: [Name mankind was not meant to know]! Where did you come from!? [Conversation Participant #2]: From the blighted womb of your worst nightmare, quivering on legs innumerable, soaked in the black ooze of your greatest fears. I rear back my heavy head, and howl: DETEEENTION ...for AAAALLL three of you! I swear, I'm the only one around here that doesn't find threats and violence to be charming. -- RecklessPrudence

"Aw come on Mx Elth... this is the AV club,

Challenge #01460-C365: The Slippery Slope

Trying to sell a specifically weapons design team as a pro-peaceful exploration move is sort of the zen apex of the art of budgetary committees, no matter how necessary self-defence is out on the frontier for Federation starships. -- RecklessPrudence

"Point of Order," said Admiral Joubert. The rest of the budgetary committee moaned in anticipation. "These so-called science vessels you're proposing look more like warships. The Federation has never stood for this sort of thing."

"It's called being prepared, Joubert," growled Admiral

Challenge #01459-C364: Dangerous Encounters

A [Human science ship] is basically a prickly little echidna going through space wearing a mortarboard. It just wants to science. If you stop it sciencing, it can survive you kicking it, hurt the foot that you were foolish enough to use to kick it, and call for help from the other, decidedly LESS peaceful ships Humanity has to offer. -- RecklessPrudence

Humans are dangerous. Everyone knows this. The preferred method of interacting with humans, for the longest time, was simply two

Challenge #01458-C363: Protective Instinct

Left to my own devices, I am not very aggressive. But if you give me a small helpless person to defend I will conquer small European nations in their name. -- RecklessPrudence

There are certain things one should never, ever do in Galactic Society. You do not comment negatively about any other cogniscent's appearance. You do not engage a gravity drive in hyperspace. And you do not, under any circumstances, threaten a human's charge if that guarded body is a small, fragile

Challenge #01457-C362: One Exasperating Late Evening in a Recovery Room

"Do you want to explain why you caused mass hysteria and almost created a national incident?"

"You know these things happen when I'm left alone." -- OohLookShiny

"Hwell," sighed Ax'and'l. It was an old sigh. The kind of sigh that had put up with enough crap to make a rocky giant planetoid out of it. "I told you to mind the cargo..."

"And I did. I was. Honest," said Hwell. "I only stepped away t' help this wee lass--"

Ax'and'l moaned automatically.

Challenge #01456-C361: One Muddled Mid-morning in a Mystery Vessel

"Do you want to know how I can tell this is a terrible idea?"

"...how?"

"I'm being the voice of reason!" -- OohLookShiny

(Image source) (Artist)

The assembled cogniscents spared a moment to regard Ambassador Shayde. Widely regarded as the specific embodiment of human insanity. They then looked to each other as if daring someone to say, How did we get so far astray?

"As th' great Montgomery Scott said, Ye cannae change the laws o' physics," insisted Shayde. "Well. Unless ye

Challenge #01455-C360: Monster?

http://modmad.tumblr.com/post/154298352575/thelittlemonsterlover-x

Large scary demonic creature and the tiny child that keeps putting flower crowns on it. -- Anon Guest

[AN: I wish I knew what the writing in the comic said, but I shall do my best]

I am the thing that bumps in the night. I am fear incarnate. I am terror. I am the fate that waits for bad children. I am a monster in the dark. I am... Nightmare.

For untold centuries, I

Challenge #01454-C359: Wild Terra

The Irwin character and their adventures on Earth -- Anon Guest

[AN: once again, pre-yule shopping took me away from doing this]

"Now in most areas of human habitation, the goal is to cover as much of the body as possible. But here--" images of Surfer's Paradise, "--the rules are turned upside-down. Unless you're one of these blokes," images of surfers in their full-body surf suits. "Their vibrant colours tell the sharks that live in the water that they're not good to

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A 4871-post collection

Challenge #01468-D007: Beware of Storytellers

Challenge #01467-D006: Surrender Now, or... What?

Challenge #01466-D005: One Family Argument on a Summer Evening

Challenge #01465-D004: The Wrong Question

Challenge #01464-D003: Dammit Dwayne!

Challenge #01463-D002: Visit Zoq'in University!

Challenge #01462-D001: The Curse of Vows

Challenge #01461-C366: Abominations Are Relative

Challenge #01460-C365: The Slippery Slope

Challenge #01459-C364: Dangerous Encounters

Challenge #01458-C363: Protective Instinct

Challenge #01457-C362: One Exasperating Late Evening in a Recovery Room

Challenge #01456-C361: One Muddled Mid-morning in a Mystery Vessel

Challenge #01455-C360: Monster?

Challenge #01454-C359: Wild Terra