Anguish

I need something. I dunno what it is, but I need it. I need it like air, because I'm sinking into the horrific realisation that maybe my bod is stress adapted and will actively seek being petrified of nothing because it thinks that's the state of normal.

What. The. Fuck.

I suspect that the Ashwagandha I'm taking isn't working as well as the Original Brand(tm) because it's the herbal supplement version and not the "clinical" version that reset my brain chemicals to a wonderful state of approaching average¹. It was wonderful while it lasted, but do you think I can find that stuff anywhere in the stores, these days? No-o-o-o-o. No brain-resetti herbal shit for this little 'Nutter.

Chemist's Warehouse website says they have it, but I've been on the Leyland's tour to go to each of the three I know of, and it's never firkin there. Contemplating order-by-mail for this shit. It's the good shit.

Meanwhile, Beloved is looking at stuff like Pregnenolone and 5-HTP as solutions to my lack of energy without realising that the core problem - my anxiety - is gonna likely get exacerbated by this shiznit. Like, sure, they look good on the surface, but the instant the research reveals that they spike anxiety... I get out the 40' barge pole.

Meanwhile, I'm constantly terrified of nothing and wearing myself out in the process. Going to sleep early, waking up early, and starting the whole gorram cycle all over again. Which affects my ability to brain at all, focus on any one thing, or not dive off into a million directions at once.

I hate being tired all the time from being scared all the time. I hate feeling down because I can't keep up with the billions of ideas and things I want to exist. I hate being helpless. I hate feeling like this. All. The. Time.

IDK whether to cry or go nap. Neither will help.

But I can make myself a jelly as a post-day treat and maybe that will help reset my noggin a little.

That before story, methinks.