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Fucking Depression

A 9-post collection

Deeeeeeep breaths...

I have an old slanguage term from my childhood days of shaking off disease. It's 'dishraggy'. As in, feeling like a limp, slightly greasy, overdue for a wash, dishrag.

It's a very floppy feeling. The effort to raise an arm is barely worth it. The greasiness resides in the soul, and can't be washed out with all the hot bubblebaths in the world.

So, in short, I am feeling 'better'. For limited definitions of 'better. I'm more mentally prepared to be functional, but I still lack the essential energy to be the whirlwind of activity that summarises the Martha Stewart types I despise.

In a near-constant low-batt state, I have found ways to cheat. And in cheating, I feel guilty for it. I should be doing everything at once. I should be multitasking. I should be keeping the house in a state that's super ready for catalogue photographers.

But then I look at a pile of debris and just cry. Because I know for a fact that if I tried to be like that, I'd probably hospitalise myself in the process. And I'm the one who's home all the time, and it's therefore my problem.

Except all my other problems kind'a weigh me down there.

Thank the Powers That Be for Steam Powered Giraffe and their latest album. The song, Only Human reminds me that I'm allowed to have flaws and just cope with the things that I'm capable of doing. That I should be taking the time to recharge. That it's perfectly okay for a major portion of my exhaustion levels to be because my muscles are twitching because asthma meds.

Next time I'm at the quacks, I should ask about alternative asthma therapies, because twitching is taking over my frelling life. And it still feels like I'm breathing through a thin straw.

But I have beautiful music to remind me that feeling awful is still okay, and it's just one step on a path to getting better. Just look - all these amazing people with talent oozing out of their pores have brain problems too. Which means I have a shot at being amazing myself. Dunno about the talent though.

Deep breaths. One step at a time. Let's do today before we fret about tomorrow. Worry about 'is' rather than 'might'.

I will get there. One laborious, plodding, dragging step at a time.

I hate this firkin spiral

Depression sucks. Spoonlessness sucks. I have no energy because I have the sads. I have the sads because I feel like I let everyone down. I let everyone down because I lack the energy to do things for everyone. I lack the energy to do things for myself.

Down and down I go
Round and round I go
In a spin...

Well it ain't that old black magic called love, that's for sure. I know where I'm headed and it isn't a

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Lo Batt Light

I have just enough energy. Which is a sad place to be, when you think of it.

I have just enough to do everything that needs must be done. But not quite enough to do the things I want to do or the things that are good for me. This is the third day that I've skipped my morning walk because I've lacked the time and the energy combined to do the thing.

Mayhem is still sick. I have just enough energy

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Work, work, work...

I swept four rooms out of twelve. And there is enough debris from that to fill a dumpster. Unsorted, of course. In the midst of that mountain of scrattle, there is laundry, dishwashing, and the occasional useful thing. The rest of it is going out of the house because it was left on the floor. The family obviously doesn't care what happens to it.

My back hurts. Mayhem is sick at home, today. Some lurgi has him fast in its grip. He

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It's the little things

Today started as a 5% battery day. You know the ones. Your entire body feels too heavy to move. It's a task and a half just to breathe in. Building a pillow fort to hide in is just too much effort.

A very much dunwanna day.

I dunwanna get up. I dunwanna get clean. I dunwanna get dressed. I dunwanna bark the kids into getting ready. I dunwanna get dinner started. I dunwanna do anything.

What I want is some major-league me

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Wish me luck

The rains of last night have buggered off and it's looking like it's going to be a lovely, sunny day. And today, Beloved is home, so I finally have a chance to edit KFZ and start trawling for agents.

New York is the place to look, apparently. Those are the agents with the global scope and reach.

Beloved's focus will be on making a thing to hold a pen so we can print out those earring cards at firkin last. But I

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Erastide Eve

It's the Thursday before Good Friday and we still haven't got ourselves any hot cross buns. I haven't looked at my bank account, either, because I suspect it's heinous how little we have.

On the plus side - semi-religious observances for four days means we won't be doing shit until payday.

And then - I shall negotiate at least dragging Chaos out to the cinemas to watch Zootopia. Because I want to see it.

I suspect I missed the boat on Deadpool

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First cuppa coffee

I’m out of caramel topping so I put in an extra spoon of sugar and an extra half spoon of drinking chocolate.

So fuckin tired I got Mayhem to tie my shoes for me.

I should not be driving today… but I’m gonna have to.

Hey holy shit, I just noticed that David’s countdown web app has some parralax going on. Trippy. Fucking awesome.

It’s official. My filters are off.

FUN.

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Fuuuuuuuu...

My brain wouldn’t let me sleep, last night.

It’s 2:30 AM and I give the fuck up. I got so many irons in the fire today…

Getting my brats lined up and off to school. The instant story. The master file. The continuing work on a 50-page Amazon exclusive. Financial shit from an ongoing rats’ nest of red tape that surrounds trying to pay less money to live…

And a P&T thingy

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