It's the first of March, and that means that I have seven more days to live through whilst simultaneously fearing acceptance and rejection. Acceptance means I get money, but I also have the possibility of going on book tours and talking at conventions and meeting fans.
And I have social anxiety.
If I am rejected... well, I have to go through all this AGAIN, and with a different Agent-to-be. Or, as I've been starting to shorten it, A2B. Which means another three months of fearing both acceptance and rejection.
By the time I reach the end of the list (and demand my $400 back from the peeps who sold it to me) I will be absolutely shattered. Assuming I survive that long.
I did manage to get in maybe 80% of a good sleep, last night, so that's a little something on my score.
But every day I don't get a rejection is a day closer to the possibility of being accepted. And I've managed to calm myself down by being absolutely mean to myself.
Now whenever I get anxious about the whole agent thing, I remember these points:
- I am not Stephanie Meyer
- I am not E. L. James
- I am a better writer than either of them (strictly MNSHO)
- So therefore I will not rocket to instant fame and success
- KFZ is not going to be an instant best-seller
- I will not get any kind of notice until about five books in
- Which is a little shy of five years away
- By which time, I shall be thoroughly prepared to present myself however I wish
- Besides, judging by how much my daily stories are earning on Steemit, I'm going to be niche for the rest of my life.
I want to be judged on my writing's own merits. And this is judgement of a kind, I guess. But, on the plus side, every day I practice. And every day I get better. And while everything I write may not be a winner, something in there has to be.
The shotgun principle is a thing for a reason.
I've written almost 1500 fictions to date, and I plan on writing many more than that. I'm failing as fast as I can and success has to be in there somewhere.
Gotta keep on going. And as soon as I'm done here, I have to cook myself some real food. That's the pick-me-up I really need.