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What to do if someone is silly enough to buy you an XBox One

I don’t intend on buying one, but my best beloved is one of those people who goes after shiny things, so…

Here’s the idea. Anyone who can figure out nasty ways to sabotage the nefarious edge to the X-box One is free to reblog and add their nasty ideas. The more heinous the better. The goal, of course, is to make Microsoft realize that spying on its clientele is a really bad idea.

If Someone is Silly Enough to Purchase an X-Box One For You:

  • Play in the nude [bonus points if you’re not “physically attractive”]

  • Only play the free game that came with the console

  • Play in a fursuit/horse mask/other obscuring gear

  • Rig things so that the camera only sees a horrible picture [goatse, tub girl, Justin Beiber, etc etc] and the mic only hears your collection of renditions of “Girl/Boy/Thing From Iponima”.

  • Rig things so the mic can only hear your death metal collection when the machine’s turned off.

  • Attach it to the outside of a tall building, preferably looking down from the top, and have a loop tape of suicidal self-dialogue playing. Time how long it is before the authorities arrive.

  • Read it your collection of Vogon/Emo poetry

  • Purchase a cheap/tacky kiddies’ game. Touch yourself continually while you’re playing it.

  • Never use proper nouns while it can hear you. Arrange a system with your housemates so that everyone’s okay with speaking gibberish in the home.

  • Play the ‘malfunctioning mike’ game [and time how long it is before authorities turn up]

  • See if the cam can distinguish the difference between you sitting on the couch some distance away, and a miniature some centimeters away.

  • Train your pet to sit on the controller and run the piss-easiest game you have. What was Twinkle’s high score? [I’m assuming your pet is named Twinkle because it is an awesome name for any pet]

  • Place a copy of the Mona Lisa between you and the cam, so that it looks like Lisa is playing.

  • Read it 50 Shades of Grey and the sequels

  • Read it the Twilight Series

  • If neither of these are available, try reading it the worst of

  • Pretend to get high whilst eating skittles/peanuts or drinking lemonade

  • Read all of from oldest fic to newest

  • Perform all of your grossest habits in front of the cam

  • Perform morality plays about how it’s rude to spy on people in front of the cam

  • Set up the console in the smallest room of the house

  • Sing everything you’re doing. Off key.

  • Pretend you’re getting high off the game you’re playing

  • Disassemble the bugger and use the parts for something worthwhile

reblog with your own suggestions