I love reading fics about OTPs having mental bonds and things like that, but they’re always so profound. It’d be so much more entertaining if they still thought like normal people. Imagine this stuff:
“You’ve had that song stuck in your head for days. It’s driving me nuts, too.”
“Why are you making a grocery list in your head while we’re having sex?”
“Is that really what you think about my ass?”
“Stop projecting so much belligerent boredom. I love this TV show.”
“No, you didn’t forget to lock the door. You can quit fixating on it now.”
“Yes, that sounds much better in your head.”
“Is that really who you’re daydreaming about naked?”
“Less homicidal thoughts about your annoying coworker right now, please. I’m in a meeting over here.”
“It’s coffee you’re craving. Go get some. And bring me some. You made me want it, too.”
“Thanks for the road rage thoughts. I’ll take the back roads home. See you in an hour.”
“If you think ‘knit, knit, purl,’ one more time, I’ll stab you with those needles.” -- Anon Guest
This was the first couple in couple's counselling who came in with tinfoil on their heads. Dr LaBotemé boggled briefly at them as they sat, but soon regained her usual air of studied calm.
"Mr and Mrs Bland. Thank you for arriving on time. I do have to ask... what's with the tinfoil?"
"We have a telepathic bond," said Mr Bland.
"It's the only way to shut it off," said Mrs Bland. "At least so far."
Dr LaBotemé boggled a little bit more. "I understood that telepathic bonds were the ultimate expression of romantic love. A true effect of soul mates."
"Yes, people do understand that," sighed Mrs Bland. "But then the romance wears off and you still have to live your life with someone in your head."
"Do you have any idea what it's like to have Tutti Frutti bouncing between brains for five months?" said Mr Bland.
"Or knowing about every lurid sexual fantasy he has all day, every day?" said Mrs Bland. "And he makes up the shopping list while we're having sex!"
"Only so I can last longer. And let's not start about your lurid fantasies. David Bowie, David Hasselhoff, David Tennant, David Bennett, whoever that is... if my name wasn't also David, I'd be worried."
"It's David Michael Bennett, and I just think he's hot when he's in makeup, okay? And we agreed that our fantasy lives are our own thing. Didn't we?"
"Well, you brought up mine..."
"I wouldn't have to if you didn't have so very many of them!"
"Well I'm not the one who has road rage going to the mall and back!"
"Well I'm not the one who keeps 'forgetting' about the toilet seat before bedtime!"
"Well if you didn't nag..."
This, thought Dr LaBotemé, is going to take multiple sessions.