The Horned God is fed up with all these blood sacrifices. It is making such a mess in the nether realms and he has too many goat familiars now. The Horned God demands some claw maintenance and a horn buffing, and then he will listen to your petition. Puny mortal.
“Look,” said the manifestation of the Horned One, Devourer of Flesh, Imbiber of Blood, Craftsman of Nightmares. “Blood’s all well and good, but sometimes… a god craves a little something different, you know?”
The sacrifice bleated on the altar. “You… don’t want the goat?” said the hooded figure. The knife held uncertainly above their head.
“Sweetie… I have ten million goats with me in the nether-realms. Even for a goat person, that’s a lot of goats. All I’m saying is - what’s wrong with a little chat? Some chamomile tea, some chocolate cake…”
“Chocolate cake?” winced the acolytes.
“Come on, who doesn’t love chocolate cake?”
One by one, the assembled coven had to admit that The Dark One, Terror of Shadows, Torturer of the Unworthy, had a point.
The knife slowly descended into its ritual case. “Er. But. We’re supposed to sacrifice? Something?”
“Keep the damned goat. Look after her. You get milk, and maybe you can make some cheese. Or soap. I hear goats milk soap is wonderful for your skin.“
One of the acolytes raised a hand. “I think I know a place that’ll sell a decent gateau at this hour?”
“Brilliant. Let’s do this.” The physical manifestation of Evil on Earth, the Dread Lord, the Bane of Righteousness, clapped his hands. “Who’s got their mani-pedi kits?”
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