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Recollections

A 1-post collection

May not have time for a total Selfish Day

Wouldn't you know it? As soon as I resolve to have one Selfish Day a weekend, things immediately get away from me. I just won't have time for a full day.

Today, I am finally taking that mint plant off to MeMum because it is threatening to take over the area by the sink window. Tomorrow, weather permitting, we are going to the beach.

I mentioned previously that I am not a strong swimmer and I don't like unexpected water on my face. Surf freaks me the fuck out ever since Mum-in-Law thought it was hilarious to get a photo of Beloved and I kissing in the ocean while we were getting clobbered by a wave.

I may have inherited MeMum's ability to cling to really bad experiences. I can't help it. Some things make an impact on me and this one? It set my swimming learning curve back by about a decade.

So a majority of my beach experience is fighting panic whilst sitting in the shallows or clinging like a nervous primate to the much more self-assured Beloved and generally having a bad time.

I'm already having pre-trip jitters about that. The downside of thinking about things too much. Plus invasive thoughts. Plus vivid flashbacks of every single fucking time someone thought it was funny to mock me for being terrified of drowning.

At least Beloved understands and tries to reassure me. Or find safe places for me to be in the water. We have such a culture around swimming that finding someone who is aquaphobic is such an amazing statistical outlier that it's easy to make them a figure of fun. And my default state is weird anyway, so it's no shocker that I never fit in anywhere.

Meh. I can't spend forever getting maudlin about my life and the millions of ways that I went wrong. That way lies madness. I have to focus on enjoying the time I do have. Making my todays better.