The big hump

Depression-inspired whining below the cut.

So I’m nearing the end of KFZ. I should be glad, right?  I should be over the moon.

But no. I’m terrified. I’m nauseated. I’m… sucked dry.

It’s like the atmosphere is ten times thicker than it should be, but only for me. It’s hard to breathe and it’s hard to want to breathe. It’s hard to inspire myself to do anything. Even lifting my hands to type here is kind of… meh. Not really worth it.

My day job isn’t rewarding. I pour my heart out to try and do something both good and different and… no reaction. I have followers? But there’s no sign that they read the e-mag.

I’m on the borderline of literally pointing all my followers from here to my mag, but… I’m pretty certain there’s no overlap.

I’m not getting much out of my novels, and all I know how to do is try harder.

Meanwhile, a very brief little book that was literally twenty minutes’ half-assed effort is praised by everyone around me. I crapped this thing out with very little thought or effort and everyone’s “Hey wow this could be really great” etc etc.

KFZ is pretty much the most cursed book I have ever worked on. I’ve been dealing with so much shit during this year of writing.

I want to hide somewhere warm and comfortable and not have to do shit for a few months.

BUT I have a book to finish and edit and send off to agents with the hope that this is the one time my collective heartbreak and toil is not met with a cosmic “Meh.”

AND I have another book to start, because dead time is not earning time and I at least have to make a go of it because writing is the one thing that I do even moderately well.

And I have a side-project with a few friends that’s… looking like it’s a little in danger. Busy people and impatient people and one hell-for-leather cynic might make something wonderful… or it could make a train wreck.

Writing is all I have to try and make this world a better place by living in it.

Why can’t it also pay for my better existence?

I dunno. Maybe I’m doomed to suffer. Maybe I’m just doomed to exist in obscurity.

I want nice things though.