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So I went and saw _The Mummy_ yesterday

Beloved is still a fan of Tom "gone completely gonzo" Cruise for reasons that I do not understand. And I have to say that Universal really should have stayed with the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies because those were made of awesome. Well. The first one was made of awesome. The rest had increasing concentrations of suck.

You all know about the 'sweet spots' in the movie frame, thanks to the links I put into yesterday's rant about Pervy Cam. Well, let me tell you a thing.

Two women in the film. One of them is the baddie. The baddie spends all of her time getting more flesh on her bones and less in the way of clothing on her flesh. The other lady on the screen is the blonde love interest who says it with a punch to the jaw during her first on screen moments, then debates about Tom's sex prowess in front of strangers.

She proceeds to forgive him and show an interest in him as a person by the third act. WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO SO. Our antihero even tells her that he thought there was a way to save himself as well, and she thinks that's funny. UGH.

But the point I wanted to make was: she and the baddie girl both spend practically all of their onscreen moments with their breasts, hips, or both landing squarely on those sweet spots.

They even found an excuse to highlight Baddie Gal's naked bum on multiple occasions thanks to unnecessary flashbacks. It's like, YO GUYS CHECK IT OUT SHE SUMMONS SATAN IN THE NUDE HUHUHUHUHUHUHUH...

I'd rather get a time refund so I can go watch Wonder Woman again than this tired and overdone piece of crap. The spectacle is fine, but the Pervy Cam and the Bad Romance and the complete lack of FUN in the movie just... drain everything away.

Also I laughed because some of Doctor Jekyll's1 scary displays of random medical crap also included some definite obstetric equipment. Look for the forceps in the display cases, if you watch this movie, boys and girls. Laugh at it with me.

AND they claimed that Set is the Egyptian God of Death when he's actually in charge of deserts and disorder. It's Anubis who's the God of Death. They could have at least done SOME homework. I mean, shit. Thirty seconds and Google could have written some better Egyptology than that.

Even Our Heroine, who has allegedly studied Egyptology, didn't lampshade that the Ancient Egyptians frikkin' NEVER made a statue or a likeness with an open mouth. Like what the shit? That should have been an easy throw-away line.

Oh yeah, and all the Egyptians are pale. Again. Ugh... Sometimes, I could kick Hollywood.

  1. I'm not kidding. They shoehorned Doctor fucking Jekyll into this train wreck.