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Owies. And a review of sorts. (partial spoilers)

I. Hurt.

Long distance driving is not good to me. And though I traversed between Burpengary and Chermside every day for months on end, in '14, I'm feeling the hurt today.

I drive tense. And that's bad.

It also didn't help that there was a huge traffic accident between A and B, either. I had to nip up a side road to get past six tow-trucks, four police vehicles, two traffic-redirection light-up billboards, three ambulances, two visible bashed-up cars, and an uncountable amount of traffic cones.

As I said to Beloved, it had to be one heck of a car crash.

I only have partial information, but I saw one car with its front stoved in, and another with the driver-side rear bashed up. I suspect that more cars may have been involved, because the vectors for that kind of intersection are indicative of something major-league wrong in at least one car.

But the real stresser for me is time. I abhor being late for things with a passion that knows no ending. I was late for Deadpool because (a) I just firkin HAD to watch an episode of Criminal Minds and (b) because the sole trainee working the counter that afternoon had no idea what she was doing half the time.

As a result? I missed about five minutes of potential hilariousness.

And I missed out on I-don't-know-how-much of Penile Power Fantasies I mean Batman vs Superman.

I have seen three movies this week and I was only early for one of them. Ugh.

Okay. So in brief. Trying to maintain some spoiler-free stuff about these films.

This should be under the cut when I do my Instant, so here goes.

What I took away from Zootopia:

  • All of the Police Department is made for huge mammals. Making Judy really stand out. I think the developers missed out on a chance to vector in "special treatment" because Judy is shown to be having some scale issues with the amenities there.
  • Predation might not have been a problem in Zootopia, but lingering prejudice sure was.
  • I think the real issue was Size-ism. Pretty sure the otter was selected to make it look like any predator could go feral.

What I took away from Deadpool:

  • OMFG this film is wrong in so many ways.
  • Yes, the mouthy merc does make a transphobic comment. That didn't need to happen.
  • There is a vast difference in equal-opportunity nudity here. Yes, we did get a dick shot in return for some feminine full frontal... but hers was sexualised and his was partially empowered. The struggle continueth.
  • What's with all the fucking ablism and the blind lady? Criminy.
  • Plus point - THIS IS THE FIRST FUCKING MUTANT FILM TO REMEMBER THAT COLOSSUS IS RUSSIAN. HELLFUCK YEAH!
  • But it is hilarious in all the right places, so it gets a grudging pass.

What I took away from Absolutely Pointless Dick War Er. Batman vs Superman:

  • You might be able to tell that I wasn't impressed. Have a jelly.
  • Way too much of the movie was devoted to reasons why they should hate each other. You're both pretty. Now kiss.
  • Diana Prince/Wonder Woman was treated as eye-candy for a majority of her screen time. NOT NECESSARY.
  • Also, can we kill the PervyCam every time she walks away? For fuck's sake. We get it. She's stacked. The only reason you cast her in the first place is her body. Move the fuck on.
  • Come to think of it, she and Lois are the only two women who can talk for more than a couple of lines.
  • What the fuck is up with coding Lex as autistic? That is so very wrong on so many levels, I can't even.
  • Why the fuck did Supes strike first? There was no fucking rhyme or reason to that fight.
  • Also... WHY THE HELL DID THEY CHOOSE THE MOST UNIVERSALLY HATED STORYLINE FROM THE FUCKING COMICS? COME ON!
  • If I was writing this movie, I could have done a lot better than that.

I do not understand why "dark and gritty" is seen as "adult". Just. No. It's posturing. Plain and simple. "O ho, I am an adult now and I must look into adult things, do adult things, and be adult. The things of my childhood must be sandblasted with the dark grit of grown-up-itude," blah blah blah blah...

Fucking nonsense.

Listen. If you want to highlight all the friction? Show each hero having a bad fucking week for a couple of months. The audience can see that each of them is trying their hardest to do the right thing, but the media fucking hates them. AND INCLUDE WONDER WOMAN IN THIS!

Include the man-boy-pig squealing about this "female" thinking she can horn in on the manly work of justice and secretly masturbating to the thought of having muscles like [Insert Manly Superhero Here]. Whilst in the same breath decrying said superhero from not completely saving the day.

You should know how it goes. Supes saves all the people from a burning building, but fails to put out the fire and gets blamed for the fire. Suspicious news pundits (wholly owned subsidiaries of LexCorp) posit that he might be creating the incidents he's being heroic at.

Meanwhile, Batsy is also on the news. Not for branding criminals [who the fuck came up with that idea?] but for being a vigilante and not going through due process despite the fact that due process very evidently failed. And also for the high amounts of incidental property damage he causes in the process of his take-downs.

Also meanwhile, everything Wonder Woman does is fucking wrong, because ALL GIRLS HAVE BEEN THERE. She saves the day, but her hair is a wreck. She defeats the bank robbers, but someone got a shot of her cellulite! Is that a baby bump, or did she eat a muffin? Diana Prince is not immune either. Lots of critique about who she wore where and why that's somehow evil, yadda yadda yadda.

The audience knows they're heroes, but nobody in the movie world can tell.

Lex actually drafts Superman to do good, because the most insidious villains are the most evil. Being all chummy-chum on the surface, but secretly feeding the fires of hate. Carefully and quietly manipulating Supes into a corner where it's him or the bat. Having plausible deniability the entire time.

Bats is onto Lex in a cold second. The combined effort of him and Bruce together can't do shit against government favourite, Lex Luthor. Lex can have laws passed to favour himself. He has most of the senate in his pocket.

Lex could have been fucking horrifying if they did it right.

Despite the praise for it, Gratuitous Violence in Spandex I mean Batman vs Superman rubbed me entirely the wrong way for a multitude of reasons. And I'm pretty sure I can come up with some more, later on.