The Obligatory Stupid Guard

A 1-post collection

Challenge #01345-C250: Well You Took Your Time

Prompt: the hollow coconut TONK noise that can be produced by tapping the right place on top of someone's head if their mouth is open. -- Gallifreya

[AN: Grats, you got me to hit myself on the head several times]

Rael was currently being a small, blue-black dog that 'just happened' to be where this backwards colony of humans had put Ambassador Shayde.

They had evidently landed with the best technology of their launch-era, but the process of building a colony and a lack of opposition meant that their technology slid inexorably backwards. Unfortunately, they had retained the knowledge of how to maintain and use said technology without understanding how it worked.

Which meant that Shayde was cooling her heels in an escape-proof cell, in low light, and patiently waiting for either rescue or an obligatory stupid guard. Shayde insisted that they were mandatory.

So she was doing elementary prestidigitation in the hopes that one of these brick-like lunkheads would take an interest. What else were they going to do? Burn her for a witch twice?

The third one, as it turned out, was the charm. He watched with increasing interest as Shayde juggled her spork between her fingers, made peas vanish and reappear, and made a kind of puppet out of the paper wrapping from her rations.

"No, you should'n do eet," she made the puppet say.

"Ah, they cannae kill me twice, ye worrywart. It's the best trick I got, and I might as well go out wi' a bang, ye ken."

"Ees too beeg a bang," 'said' the puppet. "You'll start a new releegion."

"So woh? On wi' th' show. Gi' 'em the ol' razzle dazzle. Sommat tae talk about in long winters an' all."

"Ees too much for dem. They won' like eet."

"Aw give over..."

The guard approached the barrier. "What trick is this?"

"It's called 'ventriloquism'," said Shayde. "I'm no' even tryin' tae be good. Watch."

"You see?" 'said' the puppet. "Dees li'l ting? Ees way more interestink than the people makin' eet moof, yes?"

"I saw your lips move," said the guard. "You're talking with two voices."

"Aye, it's for the feel of it, ye ken. You could do it, too, I bet." She handed him the puppet through a gap in the bars. "Use both hands fer the wee wings, yer a beginner. Like this, see?" She helped him along. "Waka waka, bada bada..."

The guard took up the paper toy, and made it move himself. "I am a tiny instrument of evil," he squeaked. "Made by the hands of a demon. I am the skin of good food, perverted by wicked hands."

"Aw, yer a natural," praised Shayde, despite blatant evidence to the contrary. "You'd be a great entertainer. Bring smiles tae millions, ye ken."

O Powers, thought Rael. She's doing a flim flam. If he growled, snarled, or barked right now, he would ruin her entire scheme, and that sort of thing never ended well. Not that her schemes ended so well, either... but her Plan B's were always worse.

"Joy... is not evil," he allowed.

"O' course it isn't, I knew you were smart," said Shayde, despite blatant evidence to the contrary. "That's why I want tae teach ye a very special trick. Yer the right kind tae learn it, ye ken."

Rael sprained something to look like a happy dog, and not actually wincing in advance.

"It's verra simple. Stand right there, aye, like tha'. Close yer eyes. An' open yer mouth."

The noise that her food tray made as it hit his skull was more like "TONK" than "CLANG". And the guard crumpled up very neatly beside the bars.

Shayde quickly liberated the keys and made good her escape. She did, however, leave the little paper puppet on her bunk bed, and lock the cell behind her, and put the keys back where she had found them.

"That'll gi' 'em a story," she smirked as she began to creep her way to freedom.

Rael resumed his normal humanoid form as he joined her. "Let's survey this barred world," he mocked. "It might be fun..."

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