Depression sucks. Spoonlessness sucks. I have no energy because I have the sads. I have the sads because I feel like I let everyone down. I let everyone down because I lack the energy to do things for everyone. I lack the energy to do things for myself.
Down and down I go
Round and round I go
In a spin...
Well it ain't that old black magic called love, that's for sure. I know where I'm headed and it isn't a nice place.
Pros: I've had a bit of a cry and I've talked about it with Beloved.
Pros: I can laugh about it in a skewed kind of fashion
Cons: I'm still circling the drain that leads to a crash
Cons: The help I need requires hurting people I love on an emotional level
Where I'm at now kind'a resembles trying to climb up the side of a sand dune. Or running as fast as you can with the Red Queen. Spending so much effort just to stay in one place. Whilst everything else is sliding towards the inevitable bottom.
It'd be so easy just to give up. Just slide on down without any hope of light and firkin stay there. And feel like nobody cares. And know that the thing that pierces my heart is just a splinter to everyone else.
I wish it was a splinter for me. I wish I could just cheer up. I wish I could just throw it off and carry on. Well... I can manage the carry on part. I haul my heavy self along in the things I gotta do because nobody else will. Drag myself through the things that I can do, but just barely. And then spend the rest of the day in the useless stuff I do because it's one of the few things that I have control over.
On the vague plus side, there's a kind of calm in knowing that I'll suck anyway at the things I want to do because the idea won't leave me alone. I know I'll suck. So it won't matter if it sucks. And I can share without shame because sucking doesn't matter.
On a more positive side, I've found the $300 Gen1 Wacom Tablet (and cable) that I've had forever and ordered a new pen for it since that's the only thing missing. It should be here sometime next week.
And if I'm still not worried about sucking, I might even stream me improving on my scribbles once I have that pen. If I can work out how to get Twitch TV streaming. I might have to close everything else to do it, but you know what?
I'm gonna do it anyway because I WANT TO. I don't care if I suck. I don't care if no-one watches. I don't care if I get zero notes. I don't care if it gets taken down. Fuck. It. All.
I'm gonna do it for the Sisu of it all.
Fuck that shit. It doesn't matter. It's just a splinter.
...straight through my fucking heart...