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Exorcist

A 1-post collection

Challenge #01042-B310: Unwelcome Help

Lewis and the Mystery Skulls having to continually shoo ghosthunters and exorcists away from their house -- Gallifreya

Of course, living and working in an internet-famous haunted house had its drawbacks. People who had only seen or paid attention to a fraction of their webcasts, or people who had only heard about their place, and then subsequently went to the time and effort to track them down.

And offer their services. To get rid of their ghost problem.

This one was a well-meaning wiccan, judging solely by the host of occult symbols around her neck and wrists.

Arthur sighed at the sight of her. "Did you even watch one single episode of our show?"

"The spirit here clearly compels you to do his bidding," said the wiccan.

Oh great. One of them. "Okay. I know you're not going to believe me, but... see this arm? I lost the real one because of a possession incident that wound up killing Lewis. Long story short, we made up. He's basically hanging around because he wants to. Do you understand?"

She had a bundle of herbs wrapped around a crystal. "Take this in your dead hand. It will free you from any malevolent spirits."

"Lady, that's for class three spectres and won't do crap. I already have a better one pre-installed." He opened up the compartment in his metal arm to display the talisman inside. "Vivi also has one inside her locket, before you ask. It keeps Lewis' -ah- temper tantrums down to a minimum."

"So he is dangerous, you admit it."

Ugh. "My possessed arm killed him. He has a reason to be ticked off with me. Sometimes he forgets about the possession and reverts to his dying memory of thinking I actually pushed him. It's a thing. Thanks to these charms, we have it down to him just being grumpy on his death day." Arthur closed the compartment again. "I usually stay out of his way. It's no big deal."

"It's unhealthy for him to remain in this plane."

"What's it gonna do? Kill him again?"

Vivi appeared, took one look at the wiccan and said, "Did you read the sign we have on the gate? No exorcists! No spiritual healers! We don't need help getting rid of him! We love him and he loves us. We don't need your services and thank you for coming."

"I know you believe this," said the wiccan, "but once he is beyond the veil, you will reach a clarity that this is the best choice."

Lewis manifested right beside her. "I've been beyond the veil, ma'am. It wasn't nice. This is a chance for my redemption." His pompadour flared. Purplish-pink flames licking from their usual configuration. "Don't. Mess with it."

"Oh... kay," said the wiccan. "Icanseethisisbeyondmyexperiencelevel, IthinkIhavetoconsultwithmyfriends, goodfortuneblessyouall." She ran and vaulted over the gate.

Lewis sighed and let his hair die down. "Please tell me there's some kind of ward that stops potential exorcists from entering the property?"

"Ones without negative consequences?" returned Vivi. "Still working on it. All the ones I found so far are major demonic juju."

"I could make a gate where the people who want to go through it have to press a button that means they read and understood the sign. Penalty for lying, five hundred bucks," offered Arthur. "It's quicker and it'd make more money."

"No terms and conditions on the gate," grumbled Lewis. "It gives the game away."

"What about pugs with lasers on their heads?"

"No."

"Chihuahuas?"

"Arthur...."

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