First Aid for Dummies


1. If it looks broken, it probably is.

2. If it doesn’t look broken, it probably still is.

3. If it’s straight, don’t bend it.

4. If it’s bent, don’t straighten it.

5. If it’s protruding, don’t stick it back in.

6. If it’s impaled, don’t pull it back out.

7. If it’s bleeding, cover it.

8. If it bleeds through your covering, cover it again - without peeking back underneath.

9. If it’s really ugly, cover it twice. (Remember, if it’s making you sick, imagine what it’s doing to the owner of the ugly.)

10. No matter what it looks like, don’t be trying to make it look like something else. It is what it is - deal with it.

11. If it’s burnt, wet it. (Water only. If all you have handy is butter, save it for the toast.)

12. If it’s wet, don’t dry it. If it’s dry, don’t wet it.

13. If it’s blistered, don’t mess with it. Blisters are nature’s own dressing. It’s like being a natural blonde - nothing you can add or subtract will improve upon it.

14. If it’s violently seizing, protect it.

15. When it quits seizing violently, move in, protecting yourself. Even a semi- seizing patient has no control - if you get hurt, it’ll be your own damn fault.

16. Don’t stick your fingers in anyone’s mouth. (see #15)

17. Better yet, don’t stick your fingers in anyone’s anything. No one appreciates it.

18. If it’s unconscious, watch it breath - carefully and continuously.

19. If it quits breathing, breath for it - also carefully and continuously.

20. If it fell, don’t be moving it.

21. If you even suspect it might have fallen, don’t be moving it.

22. If it looks like it’s going to fall on you, move yourself.

23. If it fell into the middle of anything arcing, sparking, spitting or hissing don’t go near it - regardless of your first inclination.

24. Don’t move anyone involved in a motor vehicle accident. In order to protect your own neck in court at some later date, protect theirs in the seat where they sit.

25. If the car is on fire or underwater - ignore #24. Get them the hell outta there while protecting their neck (and your own) as well as possible. Worry about legalities at some later date - it looks much better if you’re both alive to even go to court.

26. If it’s too hot - strip it. (Within reason, of course - unless it’s an infant - in which case ask the parent’s permission and then strip da baby bare.)

27. If it’s too cold - cover it.

28. Remember that no one’s dead until they’re warm dead - especially if it involves water or weather.

29. If it tell you it’s going to die - believe it and act accordingly - only faster.

30. Make sure your scene is safe and secure before you rush in.

31. Remember that no scene is ever truly secure. Murphy absolutely adores a supposedly safe scene.

32. Trust what they tell you - believe what you see.

33. Once you’ve decided to do something, do it as if your life depended on it. Someone’s does.