Someone requested “any DS9 fic”. So I picked the silliest one I had.
This is a silly fic. It is a very silly fic indeed.
Disclaimer: Deep Space Nine and all the characters therein are registered trademarks of Paramount. I just happen to like it so much that I happen to play with them a little.
A big thank-you to RAIL and the discussion on Magic Elves, without which my first real attempt at parody would not be here
Elf (Cheap) Shot
“What do you *mean* we’re fresh out?” Demanded Sisko, “We haven’t done a technobabble episode for *weeks*.”
“I’m well aware of that, Captain,” Odo sighed, “I checked the store myself. There are no Magic Elves on this station.”
“Then how are we supposed to *fix* anything technobabble-y? Especially if we only have five minutes to wind things up… this is a disaster.”
“We could always run those Bajoran Politics episodes,” suggested the Constable, “That hasn’t been done for a while.”
“Do *you* want to be out in the Hollywood Backlots with Kai Winn?”
Odo shuddered, “I see your point. How about an ethical crisis?”
“Two weeks running. Dax was unwittingly helping a Maquis, and Bashir was sleeping with a spy.”
Odo cleared his throat and found something else to stare at for a bit. “I could always tell Ner– *hem* Major Kira about my past. Flashback episodes are a forte of mine…”
Sisko glared at the Changeling, wondering how he’d admit to letting his security chief steal the limelight so often. “Just find out where the Magic Elves are *going*, Constable. We’ll just have to frame this episode on that.”
“Good, I’ll go arrest Quark.”
“I had nothing to do with it!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Odo growled, “I’ve heard every one of your pathetic excuses before. In there.”
“I mean it this time.”
“That one, too.”
“I know who *is* doing it; if you let me go, I’ll tell you…”
Odo brought out a clipboard and began ticking checkboxes, “Any others?”
“I’m innocent! *Really*!” Tick, tick, “If you really want the criminal,” tick, “then I suggest you start looking at Kira’s cousins.”
Write, write, “*Six* pathetic excuses and one blame-shift. You’re slowing down, Quark.”
“Hove you ever wondered how she’s got so many relatives, all of a sudden? Ever asked yourself why they’re all young? Why are they *all* wearing hats?” Quark sighed, “Why do I bother, you’re too busy bon–”
“Quark!” Odo interrupted, “This is a show children watch. Couch it in a sleasy double-entendre they’d get anyway.”
“Too busy warming her sheets?”
“Thank you.” Odo took another note, “Now I glare at you, then go shout at Nerys for a while, uncover yet another potential relationship-crusher, and wind up this episode.”
“Just remember to let me out of here.”
“Maybe.” Odo glared at him on the way out.
Kira had her power-smile on, the one she used to disarm him so often lately, “Constable,” she cooed, “come in, I was just entertaining my cousins, who are visiting from the Naitel province.”
Odo ran his eyes over the small crowd in the room. Fifteen young ‘cousins’ were scattered about the room. Coincidentally, fifteen Magic Elves were missing. “Is it me, or has the Naitel province been radioactive for the past thirty years?”
“Why do you think they’re so short?”
A smaller one was tugging at his shirt, “Harmonic shield frequency,” he whispered, “*please* say it. I wanna go home.”
Odo casually brushed the boy’s hat off, revealing two very elfin pointed ears. “And I suppose *this* is just a routine birth defect?” He raised his voice, “Why, Nerys? We need these Elves to save lives, even on Bajor!”
“They’re captives of the Federation,” Kira gestured, trying to steal a scene back from cute children in makeup, “I’ve been smuggling them back to their homeworld so they can be *free*.”
“We go home quicker if we’re used,” pleaded another Elf, “that’s the terms of the treaty. They use us to fix a problem, and *pow*, we’re home in an instant. If we’re good, we get to go somewhere else next week.”
“They used me in three movies and the Delta Quadrant,” said an Elf known as M.R. Button, “Though I think I’m going to be stuck *here* for a long time.”
“Oh, no,” Odo soothed, “this is fanfic; everything that happens here will be forgotten before the next episode.”
“Cool!” M.R.B. jumped up and down.
“Do you see, Nerys?” Odo embraced her, “They *want* it this way.”
“Oh, well,” Kira sighed. “Say, Constable; my sheets are getting pretty cold…”
“Woohoo!” Yelped MRB before zipping home in a sprinkle of faerie dust.