I've been having a little executive dysfunction, lately. Dawdling about things because I'm secretly scared of everything that could possibly go wrong. And everything that could impossibly go wrong, too. Because I like scaring myself, apparently.
As I frequently say when I give myself the horrors, my brain hates me.
I still don't know why I'm scared to send in the tax form to Smashwords. It's just one of the many things about me that make no sense whatsoever.
And I'm purposely delaying finding that agent and sending bits of Kung Fu Zombies off to them because... what if wealth changes me? What if success is the nail in the coffin that ruins my entire life? What if I become an object of public ridicule?
Not that I'm un-used to being an object of public ridicule. I was a weird kid and public ridicule was my everyday life. But even though I'm used to it, I really don't like it. I have intense problems with it, like really intense problems with it.
Intense enough to give me chest-cramping terrors and make me wake up Beloved at four in the morning with my sub-vocal rehearsals for interviews I may never have. And being glib on the spur of the moment is not my best trait. I will say things sideways. I will put my foot in my mouth. I might even say something despicable, which I will punish myself with for the rest of my life.
As I said, my brain hates me. And in my bad moments, it likes to vividly recall every single time I fucked up. On an infinite loop.
Steam Powered Giraffe's music is fantastic for helping that go away. I can supplant the bad imagery with the clips I have in my head and get respite for a while. Which is yet another reason why my conscious hours are full of music. It helps me stay in the here and now, rather than plaguing myself with things I cannot fix.
And even venting all that lot, I still want to go hide in a pillow-fort of solitude. If I ever get wealthy, I'm going to have a permanent one installed somewhere. But first, I have to do the things I'm scared of.
Knowing that I had no reason to be scared, after I've done it, is absolutely not going to stop me being terrified right now. Buggrit.